‘Chronic Singleness.’ Let’s Talk About It. Part I

One topic Gen Z doesn’t mind talking about is dating. Because of all its challenges, some say they are not choosing to prioritize dating, or they are just opting out entirely. To be fair, that is not the case for all of Gen Z. A decent number of twenty-year-olds do very much want to be in a relationship, yet they consistently remain single. A selection of the latter group have, in true Gen Z fashion, taken to social media to air their grievances, labeling themselves “the chronically single friend,” and their stories prove the dating landscape is rough terrain.

I ran across the “chronically single” trending topic on TikTok a month or so ago. These single twentysomethings started making lists about the number of unhelpful (and generally obnoxious) comments people have made to them over the years — and they are over hearing them. In one of the most viral TikToks, a twenty-five-year-old listed a few of the pieces of advice she hears most often, including, “It will happen when you least expect it,” and “Stop looking and that’s when you’ll find it.” She explained, “I haven’t been looking. And it’s the not looking, I fear, that resulted in years of absolutely no contact with a man.”

Source: TikTok.

I do agree that sometimes the best thing to do is to take a step back, focus on yourself, and realign your priorities to know what you actually want in a potential partner. However, society’s push of telling women they don’t need a man has landed some women in this very predicament. This is a balancing act: It is wise to know what you want and be open to dating while also not making finding a significant other your entire life’s mission and fixating on it twenty-four hours a day.

This 25-year-old continues, listing “You’re so lucky” and “Don’t rush it” as two more unhelpful pieces of advice. She concludes by acknowledging that when people set her up with someone, she knows they are trying to help, but she often finds herself in a difficult position when she ends up not being interested. She has a point. I don’t think setting people up is a bad move; in fact, it’s one way to actually help singles — so long as the two people getting set up share commonalities and have potential to be a good match. But just because two people happen to be single does not mean they will automatically have a connection. 

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She ends telling fellow TikTokers that if they can relate, she’s sorry—and boy did they relate. When this video started circulating, it didn’t stop. One commented that she’s basically tired of focusing on herself. This is something people talk about after getting married and having children because they realize focusing on someone else is life-giving. In our narcissistic society, we don’t even realize how unhealthy and exhausting only focusing on ourselves is. Another commenter was aggravated over receiving contradictory advice:

Source: TikTok comments.

To her credit, advice-givers never quite seem to extrapolate the nuance about why singles should “stop looking” while simultaneously “put yourself out there.” If you want to be in a relationship with someone, being emotionally available and open to the possibility of dating is definitely smart, but that doesn’t mean you need to go on a date every single night of the week. 

One other response to this chronic single situation hits on a truth that touches on many areas in life: If you don’t have experience in a specific situation, it might be hard to give actual, beneficial advice. Certainly, people are trying to be helpful by offering advice based on their own experiences. But when someone is actively attempting to get out of the chronically single status, that advice can sting.

Source: TikTok comments.

This trend is holding strong and the videos just keep coming. In another that went viral, a girl commented yet again on the “it will happen when you’re not looking” theme, followed by, “you have to put yourself out there.” These are by far the most commonly cited unhelpful sayings.

Source: TikTok.

Next, she names the “have you tried dating apps?” question to be in the unhelpful lineup. She sarcastically remarks that she’s “never thought of that foreign concept before” and then seriously states, “The dating apps aren’t it.” The apps have, unfortunately, gone downhill over time. They have great potential if they’re used properly, if you are intentional and honest. However, you can only control that on your end; on the other side, people may be simply using apps as a pastime, swiping right and left with no real intent — which seems to be what singles are experiencing now.

She goes on to say that when people tell her she’s young and still has “so much time,” she disagrees. I appreciate that women are even mentioning the fact their biological clock is ticking. Years ago, that would have never even been part of this conversation, whereas now, women are openly saying they want to be married and have kids. This is a shift in culture, which is a really positive one for women.

Most of these videos were posted by women, but there were some men that jumped in too. One, a twenty-eight-year-old guy, says he too is tired of hearing that he needs to put himself out there. While I don’t think this is the worst advice, I do think it should be followed up with an explanation of what that means.

Source: TikTok.

Not all of my generation necessarily even knows what it means to “put yourself out there,” let alone how to do it. We were raised online, our first dating experience was online, and our entire college experience was dominated by Covid, so a lot of Gen Z doesn’t know how to socialize in a way that opens the doors to dating. The reality is, going to bars likely won’t lead to a long-term relationship, whereas joining a rec league and making new friends you see on a consistent basis could lead to other connections.

This man says he’s tired of hearing he should embrace and enjoy his time being single because he’s not enjoying it or having fun anymore. He is watching his friends get married and have kids, which he wants, but he just hasn’t found the right person yet. These are not people who are just looking for hook-ups; they are looking for long-term partners. They value having love and respect for the opposite gender, and by resurrecting these values, they are bringing normalcy and decency back to America.

The comments went wild over this guy’s video:

Source: TikTok comments.

Interestingly, the last comment is from the 25-year-old single woman who got a jump on the beginning of this trend. This is definitely one way of “putting yourself out there” that I can get behind because, who knows, maybe these two could meet and bond over this. I am all in favor of a TikTok romance.

The fact that this trend has become so popular makes it clear there is a need for some problem solving skills to be put into action. The advice these singles are receiving hasn’t been helping, so it’s time to think of an actual solution.

More to come.