DOJ Baffled Over Attempts On Trump’s Life

In the wake of two attempts on Donald Trump’s life, government officials are hard at work trying to determine why so many assassins are trying to kill a man government officials want dead. In their fearless pursuit of the truth, the Justice Department this week released a letter from the latest would-be killer in which the gunman offered $150,000 to anyone who would finish Trump off.

In an appearance before the news media, Attorney General Merrick Garland said, “I am absolutely appalled that this vicious criminal would offer so much money for what would be fifteen minutes’ work, twenty tops. It’s a very dangerous precedent. After all, just imagine what someone could buy with that much money! Even if you had to lay out, say, 6K for the sniper rifle, you’d still have enough left to buy almost anything you wanted. And boy oh boy, don’t the girls go for a man who flashes that big green? It’s disgraceful that anyone would think loyal Americans would take money to eliminate an existential threat to Democracy.”

The Attorney General went on to tell the news media, “The DOJ will do everything we can to foil the plans of fanatical Trump hating sociopaths, present company excepted.”

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Congress, meanwhile, continues its investigation into the security failures that led to the July attempt on Trump’s life in Butler, Pennsylvania. Democrat Chairman of the Homeland Security Committee Senator Gary Peters told reporters, “We are determined to find out how a sniper got on top of a roof only a hundred yards away from Trump with an absolutely perfect line of sight where it should have been almost impossible for him to miss. I mean, really, anyone but a complete incompetent could have made that shot! In any case, we will not rest until we know which faulty radio or local police officer is to blame for the Secret Service’s failure to do their only job. Since Ronald Rowe Jr. arranged security in Butler, he has been promoted to acting head of the Service, so he more than anyone wants to fix the lapses that allowed the shooter to get in a position where, really, how could he miss? It’s absolutely baffling.”

The committee released on-site transcripts of Secret Service Agents during the Butler attack, revealing several lapses in security. The transcripts read in part: 

Agent Brennan: President Trump has been shot!

Agent Rowe: Oh yeah, that reminds me. I think there’s a sniper on the roof. Also, we’ve received some credible threats against the president.

Agent Brennan: Well, luckily, the sniper missed.

Agent Rowe: How the hell could he miss? He was only a hundred yards away!

Even with the government making strenuous efforts to uncover something that sounds remotely like the truth, crazy conspiracy theorists continue to spin outlandish explanations for why a man with no motivational paper trail of any kind and no online presence except encrypted foreign bank accounts would first send a sophisticated drone to scout out a presidential appearance and then place himself in a perfect position to take an expert-level shot, which was only thwarted by the hand of God, even though God’s application to the Secret Service had recently been turned down because he’s a white man.

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On one Right-wing platform, for instance, an anonymous silhouette hailed by conservatives as the “most respected schizophrenic in America,” said that history reveals how a cabal of Jews forced Hitler to use precious resources exterminating them so that he would lose World War II, allowing the few surviving Jews to escape to America where they could nuke the Christians in Nagasaki and seize control of our space lasers so that at long last they could use their unbounded power to cluster together in a country the size of a postage stamp where everyone and his uncle can easily vaporize them. These same Jews are the ones who wanted Trump eliminated because he threatened to foil their mass suicide plan by bringing peace to the region.

Some conspiracy theories are more plausible, however. For instance, it is true that the attempts to assassinate Trump were illegal, anti-Democratic, directed at American dissidents and completely incompetent, so they did bear all the hallmarks of a CIA operation.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A WOMAN UNDERGROUND,” is now available for PRE-ORDER. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.