Hollywood’s Message: ‘Screw You, Moviegoers — Now Go Watch Our Movies’

Well, the Oscar nominations are in and I don’t care either. But it is interesting to note that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Other Wastes of God’s Precious Gift of Life, have chosen to nominate movies no one saw, celebrating perversions no one cares about in order to parade a virtue they don’t have to an audience that is no longer there. In doing this, Hollywood is sending a message to the people formerly known as moviegoers.

And the message is this: “Screw you. We hate you. Come and see our movies. Die, you scum. Look how pretty we are in our designer gowns. You stink. You’re stupid. You live in the Midwest which has cooties. Please love us. Please read an article about how we sleep with each other and then break up. We hate you, we hate you, we hate you. Pay attention to us. Look, I’m wearing a dress even though I’m a boy. Don’t I disgust you? Why don’t you love me? Look, I made a movie about boys who sleep with other boys and hate their fathers. Why didn’t you go to see my movie, Daddy? Because you suck, you stink, you’re hateful and awful. Love me, love me, I hate you. Watch my Oscar show where I wear a pretty dress and get a golden statue. Then bugger off and die because you stink, you stink, just like my Daddy. Die, die, die. Love me, love me, die.”

Don’t blame me. That’s the message from Hollywood. I’m just reading it out loud.

Now, to give you an idea of just how few people are going to be watching an award show that was once a shared American cultural moment on the order of the Super Bowl, let me give you a rundown of some of the crappiest nominees.

There’s “The Brutalist,” a three and a half hour movie about an architect named Laszlo Toth, which is also the name of the Hungarian madman who, in 1972, attacked Michelangelo’s Pieta with a hammer because he thought he was God and should therefore be able to destroy everything that humans find holy and beautiful… kind of like Disney with the Star Wars franchise. 

Then there’s “Anora,” a pornographic attempt to normalize what was once called prostitution but is now called “sex work” by Hollywood leftists and pimps, but I repeat myself.

And of course, there’s “Emilia Perez,” a musical about a transexual drug lord that got a twenty-two audience rating on Rotten Tomatoes. That’s not a percentage, that’s the actual number of people who made up the audience for “Emilia Perez.”

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Now some of you may be thinking: Oh Klavan, don’t pick on Hollywood. After all, the people there just had everything they own consumed by a conflagration that is the merest hint of what eternity is going to look like for them if they keep making movies glorifying prostitution, perversion and brutalist architecture. And anyway, even though their movies suck, it will still be fun to watch them stand up with their jackpot genes draped in designer gowns and praise themselves for spitting on the values of what used to be their audience until they started spitting on our values by making films glorifying perversion, prostitution and brutalist architecture.

And of course, what could be more edifying than watching one of these uniquely privileged, gifted, and beautiful moral dungheaps in human form, take time off from having sex with his second ex-wife before picking up his abandoned child at rehab to give him a lift home to his soon-to-be THIRD ex-wife before abandoning both of them in order to marry his new girlfriend just as soon as she reaches the age of consent — I say what could be more edifying than watching such a person win a now-meaningless trophy for a morally repugnant movie no one saw and then stand up and give a speech lecturing us on what moral choices we should make if we want to win his approval?

So Hollywood, yes, we’ve received your message. And we’ve filed it — and you — with our Kodak cameras and our Woodstock bell bottoms and other things that used to seem like they would matter forever, but now no longer matter at all.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A WOMAN UNDERGROUND,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.