My Completely Unprejudiced Rundown On Why Kamala Harris Sucks

Well, America — or whoever the hell I’m talking to — the day of decision is rapidly drawing near, so it’s time we set partisanship aside and took a clear-eyed, objective look at our choices. Are we going to give our vote to an orange-colored demagogue whose reckless rhetoric reveals a tyrannical disregard for American freedoms? Or will we go with Donald Trump? (And okay, that question might have confused you because of the reference to being orange. But — I mean, look at her!)

The important thing is: as the purely surly hurly-burly whirly-swirly of election day draws near, it’s much too easy to sink into closed-minded bias like an explorer sinking into quicksand until there’s nothing left on the surface but a pith helmet and a half-finished hand-drawn map of some obscure Nile tributary rumored to have its source in a fountain of eternal youth where shapely native girls lie naked on the shore just waiting for a virile white man they would gladly service with their ancient arts of pleasure if those pale-faced morons didn’t keep drowning in quicksand as if it were the closed-minded bias that it’s much too easy to sink into as the purely surly hurly-burly of election day draws near.

But we mustn’t get carried away by our emotions or our endlessly elaborate and essentially meaningless quicksand metaphors, and should instead try to ensure that our final decision results from making a careful examination of policies and character until we develop a wholly dispassionate and unprejudiced overview of just how badly Kamala Harris sucks.

So we should be open to searching out some of the positive things about Kamala. Like… we’re not married to her. We don’t have to listen to that laugh day after day until we start having dreams that we’re locked in a closet with the Joker from the Saturday morning Batman cartoons and then wake up with our hands around her throat for the third time that week and begin to understand that our subconscious is trying to tell us something.

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Also, in a Kamala Harris administration, America could return to the days when a man who was willing to work hard could finally make enough money to pay off the college debts of some harridan who majored in feminist rage and now spends her time making TikTok videos denouncing the patriarchy from the front seat of the car she bought with the money from the man who was willing to work hard like a schmuck.

And as for Donald Trump, yes, he’d probably bring down prices and avoid World War III, but think of all the terrible things he’s said in all those news media reports of terrible things he never said. Do you want to spend four more years raging at things the news media says he said that he never said when you could be kicking back without a care in the world enjoying all the benefits of inflation and World War III?

Then there’s the fact that Kamala Harris is going to make sure that billionaires pay their fair share of the money she’s going to give you for voting for her. Donald Trump, meanwhile, plans to dynamite the deep state until all that’s left is flaming rubble and a collection of screaming bureaucrats scattering in every direction like panicked ants trying to escape a spray can of Raid. Sure, that would be hilarious, but without bureaucrats, where could we turn when we wanted to be bullied by idiots?

And now the news media has shocked us all by comparing Donald Trump to Hitler like they always do. And yes, they’re lying, but that’s no reason not to believe them. If you’re going to stop believing the news media just because they lie, you’d have to walk around not believing them all the time, and it would be as if David Muir was just sitting there with his mouth moving and no sound coming out. And okay, that would be great. But that’s no reason to vote for Trump. Or at least it’s only one reason.

So America, put your prejudices aside and choose wisely. Because while these are two candidates who are both orange in their own way, only one of them has worked for McDonald’s while Kamala Harris sucks.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A WOMAN UNDERGROUND,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.