So You’re Going Through A Breakup. Now What?

Relationship TikTok loves to engage in debates, the most recent of which involves the post-breakup period. The debate at hand is one everyone faces after a subsequent heartbreak: Is no contact the best route? In other words, what do you do after a breakup? Do you speak? Do you ever see each other? Or, do you bid your now-ex significant other a fond farewell, never to be seen again?

Some say a clean break is the only way to move forward, but others argue keeping the door open allows for the possibility of getting back together. One Canadian TikToker, Chris (@chrispoletek), who often talks about dating, shared what goes through men’s minds after a breakup with no contact. He starts, “Ladies, this is how men feel during no contact. I’ve spoke with my friends many times about their no contact experiences.”

Screenshot: TikTok

Then, he explains their conversations fall into two buckets. In the first, the guy realizes he actually didn’t like the girl that much because he “forgets that they exist,” a clear indicator he just wasn’t that into her. In the second bucket, the guy has the exact opposite realization and sees he misses her. So Chris concludes that if you don’t miss the person, you shouldn’t respond if they reach out. If, on the other hand, you realize you do miss the person, breaking no contact might be best because “it could be worth exploring.”

These don’t seem to be revolutionary thoughts, and they definitely are not bound to men. In the comments, one guy admitted to missing his ex at first and then forgetting all about her not even a week later. And one girl mentioned that women feel the same way, which of course is true. This is all just part of the human experience.

Screenshots: TikTok

However, this is much more a contemporary problem than it was a problem in generations past. A few decades ago, a clean break would have been much easier because you couldn’t check anyone’s social media to see where they are, what they’re up to, or who they’re hanging out with. You couldn’t even take a photo on demand, let alone send a late night text. You just moved on. Or, you went to great lengths to get back with the person — like a grand gesture flying across the country and showing up with flowers. (Yes, that happened to my mom. No, she didn’t take him back.) But like every other aspect of relationships and love, social media has greatly complicated the post-breakup season.

In general, people seem to be in favor of a clean break regardless of their feelings about the relationship ending — especially women. Dating coach Gabby (@respectfullygabby) addresses the issue with a firm stance: “Going no contact is actually the only solution to getting whatever you want. Whatever outcome you’re looking for, whether it be, you want to get over him as quickly as possible, whether you want to get back together with them, or whether you’re unsure about whether or not you want to get back together with them.”

Screenshot: TikTok

She goes on to explain that if you know you’re done, “ripping off the bandaid and completely cutting off access is the only way you’re going to heal.” Giving them access again just loops you back into a land of limbo. She goes onto to say, “You cannot move onto what is actually meant for you if you are stuck in what you already know is not meant for you.” She is spot on. If you keep going back when you know it’s wrong, when you stay in a situation that you know is not meant for you, you are just holding your future self back. You are keeping yourself from finding what you actually want. People do this out of fear because leaving is a risk, it’s uncomfortable, and it hurts. But it usually works out in the end.

The other possible outcome from going no contact is that you might realize you were wrong about the situation and you do, indeed, want to get back together. Plus, as Gabby mentions, giving the other person time and space to gain clarity will work in your favor as well; you don’t want to beg for someone to get back together. You want to be with someone who is sure about you. But you absolutely cannot get clarity if you are still stuck in a relationship mess. So, that makes going no contact a win-win situation. You either get over them and move on quickly, or you realize breaking up was a mistake and you end up back together.

Another TikToker, Taylor Herd (@taytalkspod), posted a follow-up to a previous TikTok of hers about the no-contact debate. In this one, she reads the comments she saw the most on her last video, the ones with similar themes. The first she reads is: “It only works if he really likes you.” Then, she follows up with her own commentary: “Correct. If that man can go any amount of time — one week, one month, one year — without thinking of you or without thinking to check in on you, he didn’t really like you that much. He just liked the attention that you show him.”

Screenshot: TikTok

She says, “He’ll realize he played himself out of everything you had to offer,” but the reality is, he may move on and find someone he likes better. That might hurt, but you should move on and find someone you like better too. If he doesn’t come back, that’s a definite sign you should move on. No matter your feelings about the end of the relationship, a clean break is just smart.

There are, however, TikTokers on the other side of the aisle. After all, it is a debate. They say you do need to talk again to get clarity. Basically, they think you should put yourself through more hurt to know for certain you’re making the right decision. Natalie (@wanderlusqt), for example, advises that if you cannot stop thinking of the person, think they may have changed, or still have hope you can make things work, “I think it is literally critical to break the no-contact rule.” Yet she acknowledges that breaking no-contact always results in “a complete failure” and she “feels so sad again.”

Screenshot: TikTok

Truthfully, this is absolutely bizarre. Hurting yourself because of some maybes? Do not do it. The people in the comments didn’t agree with her either. They were heated:

Screenshots: TikTok

It’s not that breaking no contact always ends in pain. There are comments that speak to having broken up, not spoken to each other, broken the no-contact rule, gotten back together, and are now married. But to break no contact, I would advise there be obvious evidence of specific circumstances having changed — to the point you know you would not be walking back into the same situation once again. If, for instance, one of you has put in the work to make changes that would fix the obvious problems, it is possible the relationship could work.

But the fact is, no contact is commonly the right move. A clean break protects against any possible lingering or questioning; you move on. Initiating communication again shouldn’t be based on the maybes, the missings, and the hopefuls. Breaking no contact just because you are lonely is a dangerous decision. There is a gaping difference between having concrete evidence to know for certain the relationship would be different, and convincing yourself from a place of loneliness that it might be different. You must be honest with yourself about when it’s logical and when it’s emotional.

If you miss them but nothing has changed and the same problems still exist, you should be focusing on your future. Most importantly, have the confidence not to just walk away, but to keep moving forward.

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