Stop enabling your high-spending mother-in-law

Dear Dave,

My wife and I are debt-free, and we live on a budget. My mother-in-law, on the other hand, uses credit cards for practically every purchase. Several times she has gone too far and run up balances she couldn’t pay off. We bail her out when she does this, but often the extra purchases are frivolous things she doesn’t need. We love her, of course, and we feel obligated to help because my wife is her only child. But her behavior with credit cards is beginning to put a strain on our finances. What should we do?

Charles

Dear Charles,

This is a tough situation, one that’s made even tougher by the fact that involves a close, loved family member. A very blunt, but caring, discussion is in order. But it needs to be initiated by your wife – not you. This is important, because if you try to step in and take the lead on things, you’ll immediately become the mean son-in-law in her eyes.

You and your wife need to be completely on the same page about this situation, but she’s the one who needs to approach mom and talk things out. She needs to sit down with her mom, and very gently let her know you two have talked, and you’ve decided together that you won’t be picking up the pieces where her overspending is concerned anymore. Your wife also needs to tell her the two of you are willing to help her work on handling money a little better, and walk her through making and living on a monthly budget. Your wife could even explain that’s what you guys do, and it’s one of the reasons you’re in such good financial shape.

Here’s what it comes down to. You wouldn’t buy her more drugs if you found out she was an addict, right? Along the same lines, you’re not helping this lady by bailing her out every time she creates a money mess. You’re enabling her when you do this, and that’s the same as telling her it’s OK.

Work with her, Charles. Teach her, both of you, and love on her. Let her know you’re there to help. If things get really bad, you can pay her light bill, or even buy her some groceries if the pantry gets a little bare. Hopefully, it won’t come to anything that serious.

But one thing needs to be clear. You folks are not bailing her out anymore when she misbehaves with money.

Dave