Stupid prepping advice for newbies

As the election draws closer, I’ve noticed an interesting trend: The number of “prepping” articles online is ratcheting up. It’s almost as if people are expecting a bleep-hit-the-fan event either immediately before or after the election, and are making recommendations for how to handle a crisis situation.

Unfortunately, this means newbie preppers are being fed a lot of nonsense on the subject. Case in point was an article I stumbled across on a website geared toward urban preppers. Let me repeat that: Urban preppers. It gave a list of “survival items every new prepper should get.” I’m not going to link to the article because I don’t want to give it any more exposure.

And what was the very first item on the list? An axe.

Yes, an axe. “Even if you have a camp stove,” the article says, “you still might want to build a campfire and use it for cooking, heating up water (for bathing and cleaning), and warmth. But to do that, you’ll need to chop up some firewood.”

Okay, let me repeat: This article was geared toward urban preppers. Where oh where are these urban preppers supposed to build a campfire for cooking, heating water, and warmth? In the middle of the sidewalk? And where, for that matter, are they supposed to find wood to chop up in the middle of San Francisco or Chicago or New York City? Are they going to deforest the city parks?

Actually, the reason urban preppers supposedly need an axe is because they’ll no longer be in the city. They’ll be camping in “the woods” to escape whatever threat they face. When you dig deep, nearly every prepper article is based on the assumption that readers will be bugging out of the city, and either implies or outright states that “the woods” is the only viable destination for those escaping their urban hellholes.

In fact, bugging out to “the woods” has achieved a sort of legendary status among preppers, with whole books and websites dedicated to how best to leave behind one’s home and carry in one’s bug-out bag all the things necessary to set up a new life in some remote and forested location. Unfortunately the unifying thread in way too many of these advice pieces is how unrealistic they are.

Because the subject of bugging out is dominated by men, a lot of macho he-man fantasies of lone-wolf survival and living off the land get roped into the subject, usually accompanied by bristling arsenals of firearms (and axes).

These fantasies usually takes the form of a sudden bleep-hit-the-fan event, at which point the prepared man will shoulder his pack, dodge the urban zombies, and escape to the woods where he’ll, I dunno, live happily ever after or something.

These fantasies often have a twinge of zombie-apocalypse mentality, the idea that we should all be ready, willing, and able to don a 60-pound backpack and slink out of urban areas, dodging those pesky zombies with clever ninja paramilitary maneuvers until we ultimately end up in the woods, where we’ll survive by our wits and our clever miniature tools.

What’s seldom examined is how long it takes to walk out of a city with a huge backpack in search of “the woods.” Under a heavy backpack, most fit and experienced backpackers can hike between ten and twenty miles a day, depending on terrain and weather. In most cities, that won’t even get you out of the suburbs, and presumably you’ll be sharing the sidewalks with hordes of panicked and irrational people. And what if it’s blazing hot or freezing cold or raining or snowing? What about your toddler? Your elderly grandma? Are they also wearing backpacks with axes as they hike toward “the woods”?

Additionally, who owns “the woods”? Here in the west, there is a lot of government-owned land, so disappearing into “the woods” is certainly possible. East of the Mississippi, however, “the woods” are generally under private ownership, and I can’t imagine anyone will appreciate your presence. (Rule of thumb for bugging out to the woods: In the east, no one will tolerate you. In the west, no one will rescue you.)

What’s more, all this chatter of escaping to “the woods” never seems to address one logical question: What will you do once you’re there? What will you do in the woods? Build a cabin? Live there forever? What?

Ironically, here in North Idaho we live near a vast expanse of national forest, certainly within easy bugging-out distance. We go hiking in these woods all the time. But here’s the thing: I cannot fathom any circumstances under which I would ever want to bug out there during emergency conditions, especially with winter coming on. During an impending wildfire or devastating earthquake (the natural disasters we are most likely to face), “the woods” is the last place I’d want to be.

From sociopolitical commentary to romance writing! Patrice Lewis branches into the world of Amish inspirational fiction. These clean romances are wholesome enough for Grandma to read. Check out Patrice’s available titles.

So if these bugging-out-to-the-woods scenarios are unrealistic myths, is bugging out itself a fantasy? Of course not. There are endless examples in which evacuating in a hurry is critical. Wildfires, hurricanes, floods, tornadoes, earthquakes … these are just a sampling of natural disasters from which people must flee, often with little or no warning. Manmade disasters can include toxic chemical spills (such as the train derailment in East Palestine, Ohio), riots or other urban unrest, gas leaks, and endless other reasons why it’s dangerous to remain in place.

But a bug-out bag to handle immediate emergencies is very different from the zombie-apocalypse bag touted on so many prepper websites. The goal of an emergency bug-out bag is to allow you to evacuate your home in the most rapid and efficient manner possible, while retaining critical items you will require for both immediate needs and long-term negotiation as you pull your life back together.

When evacuating before a disaster, you will not be dodging zombies or camping in the wilderness while you trek to a distant rural cabin. Instead, you’ll be fleeing toward the assistance of other people, where (hopefully) your immediate needs of food, water, and shelter will be addressed.

With that in mind, the importance of axes, tents, and paramilitary tools is significantly lower. Instead, think what portable things you would be devastated to lose; think what documentation might help you get back on your feet and deal with banks, insurance agencies, and other bureaucratic necessities; and think what personal clothing and sanitation items would allow you some measure of comfort and dignity for a few days. Bug-out bags should also have some food (granola bars? beef jerky? nuts?) and water in case you’re stalled on the highway for hours, or otherwise trapped in location.

Clearly being prepared to handle emergencies is a broad and serious topic – just ask anyone impacted by Hurricanes Helene and Milton. This is why it’s worth dropping the Rambo he-man fantasies about “the woods” and concentrate on realistic scenarios.

That’s also why these unrealistic “armchair prepper” articles make me despair. To give someone false hope that they can waltz – tra la la – into “the woods” and survive indefinitely is ridiculous.

Having a grab-and-go bag handy for making a temporary displacement bearable is simply wise. Just discard the myths and keep a lid on the fantasies.