These Feminists Married Shrimp. I’m Serious.

A few years ago, a group of researchers and academics embarked on a bold experiment. They wanted to answer the following question: “Is it possible that people with no Ph.D. in any field could write a paper in that field every two weeks and get it published?”

In other words, they wanted to know whether they could write complete gibberish, and still have it published in a prestigious, peer-reviewed academic publication.

What they found was that, indeed, it is quite possible. In fact, it’s very easy.

For example, the researchers wrote one published paper that explored the conundrum of why straight men might like to eat at Hooters. The paper delved into a fake two-year study concerning a “thematic analysis of table dialogue” at Hooters, as well as the concept of “breastaurant masculinity.” Yes, “breastaurant masculinity.” They use the term about ten times in the paper, and apparently, every time, the editors loved it.

Another hoax paper discussed “rape culture and queer performativity” at dog parks in Portland. That one sailed past the editors as well. But maybe the hoaxers’ most impressive work was their article entitled “Our Struggle Is My Struggle,” which lifted passages from “Mein Kampf” and placed them in a feminist journal of social work, totally undetected.

The whole exercise was pretty entertaining. And of course it proved its point, which is that peer-reviewed publications will publish anything that sounds like something a Left-wing intellectual would write. And then the experiment ended, and the hoaxers went about their normal lives.

Or at least, that’s the official story. A paper that was just published in the peer-reviewed journal “Springer Nature,” out of Germany, has a lot of people questioning whether yet another hoax may be unfolding in the world of academia. To be clear — for reasons I’ll outline in a moment — it doesn’t look like a hoax. But a lot of people are hoping it is, because the alternative is just too depressing to contemplate.

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A Ph.D. named Colin Wright first drew attention to the paper the other day on social media. The paper is entitled, “Loving the Brine Shrimp: Exploring Queer Feminist Blue Posthumanities to Reimagine the ‘America’s Dead Sea.'”

The paper is written by someone named “Ewelina Jarosz,” who uses “she/they” pronouns and holds the position of Assistant Professor in the Department of Media and Cultural Research at “UKEN,” Poland.

Here’s what “she/they” came up with. The paper’s abstract states, 

The article aims to transform narratives surrounding Utah’s Great Salt Lake, often referred to as ‘America’s Dead Sea,’ by reimagining how brine shrimp are perceived in science, culture, and art. It introduces the concept of hydrosexuality to bridge these realms, thereby enriching feminist blue posthumanities and feminist biology through art-based practices and queer advocacy. … The hydrosexual perspective challenges settler science by exploring the connections between the reproductive system of brine shrimp and the economy, ecology and culture. … this cultural analysis draws inspiration from low trophic theory and Queer Death Studies.

The paper goes on to explain that “hydrosexuality” is a term that emphasizes the “more-than-human sensuality and sexuality emphasizing fluidity and relationality” and “deploys watery thinking to dissolve” the “hegemonic notion of the autonomous and bounded human subject.”

At this point, you can see why people thought that the Hooters guys had struck again. But then Colin Wright noticed that, in this article, the authors referenced something called a “postmedia environmental performance” that they had recently performed in the Great Salt Lake in Utah. The performance was called, “Cyber Wedding to the Brine Shrimp.” The performance, according to the authors, was intended to “express their human love towards the vulnerable yet tough brine shrimp,” by means of “a communal bath in the GSL, which some of us, including myself, perceived as making love to the lake.”

So, naturally, Colin Wright and his followers went looking for the footage. If they could find it, it might demonstrate that these authors weren’t playing a prank — or if they were, they were really, really committed to the bit.

What Colin Wright and his followers found appears to confirm that this paper is, indeed, real. And the video is very much worth watching.

To be clear, normally, I wouldn’t subject you to extended footage of eco-sexuals doing their thing. But it’s been about eight months since I last talked about eco-sexuals, in the context of that show “Naked Attraction.” So we’ve had enough of a cooling-off period, I think. And if this footage is any indication, things are deteriorating very, very quickly in that community.

Here’s how the “Cyber Wedding to the Brine Shrimp” begins. You’ll notice that the Mystery Science Theater guys have been overlaid to the front of the footage for comedic effect, by one of Colin’s followers. Watch:

So it begins normally enough. The eco-sexuals announce their intent to marry the brine shrimp. We’ve all been there. And then, out of nowhere, we hear the voice of the “Spiral Jetty.”

That’s apparently a piece of “land art” that was constructed in 1970 by Robert Smithson in the Great Salt Lake. And as you heard, the Spiral Jetty apparently felt the need to insert himself and his personal problems into this wedding. He’s apparently dry and exposed, and he thinks that’s relevant to the wedding between these people and these brine shrimp.

So he doesn’t shut up. He keeps going and going. And eventually he devolves into reciting land acknowledgements. Watch:

No one thinks about getting rid of this guy at any point. That’s what’s really incredible about this. Imagine you’re getting married, and out of nowhere, some effeminate voice pipes up, and starts reciting a land acknowledgement. And then he tells you all about how your wedding will benefit him. Even if you’re an intersectional feminist, it’s enough to make you root for global warming to accelerate a little bit and ruin the whole beach.

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But eventually the land art quiets down, and they’re allowed to recite the vows. And then there’s even more drama, because someone interrupts once again. This is a theme of these eco-sexual weddings, apparently. None of these people can shut up. Watch:

So they ask the shrimp for psychic consent. And one of them says, “I don’t hear no. … My sense is not all of them, but most of them.”

And apparently, that’s good enough for these people. They subscribe to the Harvey Weinstein school of ethics over there in Poland’s eco-sexual community, I suppose. So the marriage takes place, although there’s a caveat. As the paper puts it: “To avoid potential harm to living critters, vows were made to the brine shrimp’s exponentially enlarged augmented reality image, which popped up at the lake’s shore above the humans’ heads.”

And then they consummated the marriage by walking into the water with their hands in the air. Watch:

At this point, I have to come clean.

I have to admit that I don’t have much of a grand overarching point to make about the wonders of feminist blue post humanities and hydrosexuality. These people are so far gone that you legitimately can’t tell if they’re mocking the very concept of humanities.

Let me simply state: We have clearly reached the logical end point of wokeness. Every “slippery slope” argument conservatives made for the past 50 years has been vindicated. When feminists are marrying the brine shrimp while a talking sculpture recites land acknowledgements in the background, it’s abundantly clear that wokeness has jumped the shark. (Although I hesitate to make that statement, because the next video might actually involve these people trying to jump some sharks. And that footage would, in all likelihood, be even more disturbing to watch than this “Cyber Wedding to the Brine Shrimp.”)

But all the same, these people (or their survivors) would probably be able to find some peer-reviewed publication to publish the footage anyway. After all, there is no bottom to modern-day academia. There are just queer women getting married to brine shrimp, all the way down. The hoaxers have become indistinguishable from the serious, credentialed feminist eco-sexual professors. And that is why eco-sexuals, peer-reviewed publications, and feminist academics who marry shrimp are canceled.