Why America’s Journalists Are Wholly Unqualified To Report The News

After watching the news media’s coverage of this year’s presidential election, some people are saying that America’s journalists are wholly unqualified to report the news and should find more suitable employment, like cleaning the port-a-sans on those construction sites with very low sanitation standards until even the managers of these disgusting venues can no longer tolerate the steaming piles of unmitigated crap these journalists produce and not only fire them, but leave such scorching denunciations of their work on social media that they become unemployable and wind up wandering the deserted streets of some crumbling Democrat-run urban hellhole until, at last unable to tolerate the shame of being an American journalist, they hurl themselves into the nearest river where a crowd of the very audience they lied to gathers to watch them struggling against the tide and murmurs to one another, “Hey, isn’t that that sneering girly man who fact-checked Donald Trump’s facts with falsehoods during the last debate,” and other similar remarks that ultimately raise their level of righteous indignation to the point where they start hurling rotten vegetables at these former so-called journalists so that they not only float out to sea forever, but float out to sea covered in decaying lettuce and onions and good riddance, now maybe these stinkers will learn to tell the truth once in a while.

But of course that’s only the opinion of some people. Other people just aren’t paying attention or they’re standing in the rain shaking their fists at the sky and shouting at the Jews to stop sending all these hurricanes.

And now there’s been a new incident that has shaken the confidence of those people who still had confidence in the news media — a pretzel vendor named Studs Korchinski and his brother Harold, who sells counterfeit Rolexes. Some are now suggesting that “60 Minutes” may have edited Bill Whitaker’s recent interview with Kamala Harris. The differences are subtle but a close reading of the original versus the broadcast transcripts does reveal some small discrepancies.

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For instance, in the interview as broadcast on CBS, the transcript reads:

Whitaker: Do you consider Benyamin Netanyahu an ally?

Harris: I grew up in the middle class where people were proud of their lawns and billionaires have to pay their fair share.

But in the original footage of the interview, the exchange is as follows:

Whitaker: How many times do you have to stab that Jew in the back before he finally dies?

Harris: Really, you should ask whether Israel is an ally. And of course no. They keep sending all these hurricanes.

The transcript of another segment of the broadcast exchange reads: 

Whitaker: How do you plan to fund your social agenda?

Harris: It’s time for billionaires to pay their fair share of the middle class where I grew up on the lawn. 

But the original version reads:

Whitaker: Woman, who the hell’s gonna pay for all this useless crap?

Harris: Listen, big mouth, I didn’t screw my way into this business to get interrogated by some clown who looks like he’s wearing John Bolton’s mustache for Halloween. When I pretend I’ll tax billionaires who’ve already moved to Luxemburg and give that imaginary money to people who can’t afford to buy a dozen eggs because Bidenomics has made them cost nearly as much as my belt buckle, your job is to nod and say, ”Great idea,” then move on. You should be more like that babe on Call Her Daddy and talk about pop tarting and other things I know something about.

And finally, the transcript of the original broadcast reads:

Whitaker: How will your policies differ from President Biden’s?

Harris: It’s time for lawns to grow and pay their billionaires the fair share of the middle class.

The original transcript reads:

Whitaker: How will your policies differ from President Biden’s, bitch?

Harris: Well, Biden is always staring around like a newborn and then rasping out these meaningless catchphrases, whereas I prefer to rasp out meaningless catchphrases then laugh maniacally, so that’s one big change right there. Also, when Jill slaps Joe, she’s trying to bring him back to consciousness, whereas when Doug slaps me it’s just because he’s a bastard.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A WOMAN UNDERGROUND,” is now available for PRE-ORDER. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.