Women Planning To Vote For Kamala May Not Be Thinking Clearly

As I told you many months ago, this presidential election is a face-off between men and women. Donald Trump has an 8% lead with male voters because men believe Trump will restore our tattered economy, and draw us out of endless wars that threaten to expand into a world-wide conflagration. Conversely, Kamala Harris has a 9% lead with female voters because women want to kill their babies and they have no capacity for reason.

Now please don’t think I’m totally unsympathetic with women’s goals. We all want to kill their babies. They smell bad and they’re constantly covered with snot so you just have to walk into the same room with them and you’re in bed for the next two weeks with some unidentifiable infection that normally only occurs in herds of wild goats living in isolated sections of Turkmenistan.

But I do think that the right to vote and the capacity for reason ought to be linked in some way, maybe through a constitutional amendment requiring voters to take a reasoning test or maybe just by telling all the women that the election’s on Wednesday so they show up late.

Because there have been certain developments over these last several days that make me think that the people planning to vote for Kamala, whether they’re women or men aspiring to be women or even just men aspiring to be Tim Walz, are not thinking as clearly as maybe they ought to be. For instance, recently, many journalists and other Democrats have made the argument that Donald Trump is a Nazi because he held a rally at New York’s famous Madison Square Garden and the Nazis held a rally at the Garden in 1939.

Now, if you’re a man and have the capacity for reason, or you’re married to a man and got it that way, you might find yourself thinking, “Gee, that doesn’t make any sense.” I mean, whenever music played at the Garden, Trump danced around clumsily like a performing bear, so it was really more like the recent Taylor Swift concert there than the old Nazi rally. And I thought women loved Taylor Swift. But who can understand these mysterious creatures?

See, men hear this nutty notion that Trump’s a Nazi because he held a rally at the Garden, and they think, “Wow, that just sounds to me like the inarticulate howl of a Democrat Dinosaur sinking into the bubbling hot tarpit of his failed policies until he vanishes beneath the black surface of his misguided ideology.” Whereas apparently, women hear it and they’re like, “Ooh, bubbling hot tar, maybe that’ll be good for my complexion and then I’ll be able to attract men who don’t care a damn for me, so I better vote for Kamala in case one of those bastards gets me pregnant and I have to kill the baby.” I’m not saying that’s word for word what they actually think, I’m just trying my best to reconstruct what’s in those pretty little heads of theirs. The complexion thing might be off, but I know the dead babies figure in there somewhere.

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Anyway. Here’s another thing. There was this Kamala campaign ad, telling wives to lie to their husbands about who they’re going to vote for because the voting booth is “The one place in America where women still have a right to choose.” And at first I found that ad confusing, because women have all the same rights that men have in America, and lying to your husband can only lead to unhappiness. But then I realized the ad was only confusing to me because I have the capacity for reason. 

Now, one way or another, the election will soon be over. Unless it’s not, and November just goes on forever, with the women continually saying, “Trump is Hitler because he had a rally at Madison Square Garden,” and the men saying, “But sweetheart, that doesn’t make any sense,” and the women suddenly all cackling like Kamala Harris and shrieking, “Yes, because we killed the babies and now we’re in hell where women have the right to vote!” 

Actually, that may just be a recurring fantasy I have. I’m not sure. Maybe it’s actually happening.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A WOMAN UNDERGROUND,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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