Your Blow-By-Blow Recap Of The Presidential Debate

For those of you who missed this week’s presidential debate because you were doing something more rewarding like twisting your navel lint into the shape of circus animals, not to worry, the Daily Wire is here to bring you this handy blow-by-blow recap.

The debate began with a question from David Muir, ABC’s crack anchorman — and when I say crack, I mean but crack.

The butt crack anchorman asked Kamala, “Oh mimsy, you’re so nummy, your numminess is yummy, why does my yummy mummy make my tummy gummy?”

Vice President Harris responded, “I have a plan to rain destruction on America by controlling food prices so that grocery store shelves are empty, crippling the energy industry for no discernible reason and leaving babies to die if they violate a woman’s right to choose by surviving an abortion. Also, Trump’s golf game sucks.”

President Trump responded: “What do you mean my golf game sucks? I have a great golf game. Some say I have the greatest golf game anyone can remember. I would be playing great golf right now if the Biden-Harris administration hadn’t flooded our country with illegal immigrants who are eating our cats…”

But at this point, ABC’s Linsey Davis interrupted, saying, “I have to stop you there, Mr. President. We have many other things we want to discuss besides the issues. For instance, President Trump, can you explain to the nation why I hate you so very much? This is not your ordinary hatred. This is an obsessive detestation that has caused me to violate every principle of journalism until I disgrace the profession with my seething, livid, bug-eyed presence. Why have you done that to me?”

President Trump responded, “I have won many, many golf tournaments, and my handicap is now under three.”

At this point, Vice President Harris announced she would end the war in Gaza by ensuring Iran developed nuclear weapons and killed all the Jews before bombing America to rubble, and she added that Trump’s rallies were boring.

WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show

Screaming that his rallies were in fact terrific, Trump went into a rage, grabbed Harris and dragged her out of the studio, holding her in one hand as he clawed his way up the side of the Empire State Building with the other. David Muir flew after them in a weaponized bi-plane, screaming, “Don’t worry, mimsy, I’m coming to save my yummy nummy mummy!” He then opened fire on Trump with the bi-plane’s machine guns in what the Washington Post described as “the greatest act of journalism since journalism became an attempt to shoot Donald Trump with a biplane’s machine guns.”

In the wake of the debate, opinions were divided. 85% of women who hadn’t been laid in over a year were very impressed with Harris’s performance. “She really rocked that lovely pants suit,” said one woman named Brian Stelter. “And when she walked across the stage and invaded that scary man’s space, she was such a girl-boss, I burst into tears and spent the rest of the day in bed.” Ms. Stelter then burst into tears and got back into bed, sobbing, “Why did I ever return to CNN? I feel so invisible.”

On the other hand, 75% of men with operational sexual equipment felt Trump had done an excellent job of climbing up the Empire State Building with only one hand free, and they added that the ABC moderators had been so unfair, they’d decided to join a militia and overthrow the government.

Commentators also took different sides. For instance, on the Right, Tucker Carlson said the debate was the result of a secret deal struck between invisible demons pretending to be space aliens and CIA Agents in league with the Jews. Carlson said he knew he would be canceled for courageously attacking sacred cows, although possibly it would just be because he was babbling like some kind of nutcase.

On the left, the New York Times, a former newspaper, ran an editorial saying “Kamala Harris has proved herself to be the sort of woman we would include in a throuple if we were heterosexual.”

To which David Muir added, “Oh, my mummy. Nummy, mummy, mummy. Yummy mummy.”

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A WOMAN UNDERGROUND,” is now available for PRE-ORDER. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.