Democrats Wonder Why So Many Men Are Abandoning The Party

The Democrat National Committee held its summer meeting in the smoldering ruins of Minneapolis’s George Floyd Plaza this week, where they rented a hall from the local chapter of the Crips, next to the homeless encampments erected amidst the charred timbers of what once were local businesses, so Democrat officials could try to uncover the mysterious reasons why support for their party is in a decline so sharp, it reminds Americans of the decline in their children’s well-being after Teachers Unions introduced cartoon homosexual pornography into their kindergartens in preparation for changing the children’s sex without telling their parents.

The unfathomable mystery of why the Democrats are losing so many voters was addressed during the last three minutes of an hour-long panel discussion, which was all the time that was left after fifty-seven minutes of land acknowledgements paying tribute to the indigenous tribes who once held ceremonial dinners on that spot whenever they could find someone to eat.

Among the ever-so-puzzling riddles the Democrats sought to answer were: Why are Donald Trump’s anti-crime measures so popular with people who don’t want to be killed?

DNC Chairman Ilhan Jihad Mohammed Pazuzu Mohammed Jihad Jihad, whose pronouns are “They,” “It,” “Snookums” and “Death-to-the-Jews,” addressed the gathered Democrats from a bullet-proof booth in the hall’s Conference Room Number MS-13, renamed the Kilmar Abrego Garcia ballroom for the occasion. Ms. or Possibly Mister Pazuzu Mohammed Jihad Jihad said, “Donald Trump can garner quick headlines by bringing down crime with cheap tricks like putting more law officers on the streets, but we have to find real solutions, like setting criminals free without bail. When you put, say, an accused murderer in prison just because he can’t afford bail, all you do is make him so angry, he would kill again, if he weren’t, you know, in prison. Also, we need more youth programs and anti-racist training because that sort of useless crap has been very successful for us in the past, or if it hasn’t, at least there’s no one left to tell the tale. And we have to address the root causes of crime like poverty and racism, and sure, while we’re diddling around with that nonsense, we may lose some voters in the occasional weekend massacre, but remember this: Not only will each murderer we set free become a Democrat voter, but so will his victims.”

WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show

The Democrats also addressed the brain-busting conundrum of why so many men are abandoning the Democrat party, clutching their testicles in self-defense until they can escape to a red state where they’ll be safe. To get the male perspective, Governor Tim Walz was brought in to speak openly as a straight man, instead of what we all know he actually is. Governor Walz said, “Everyone talks about the divisions in our party, but so what? There are divisions in my family, with my wife constantly complaining about how sick she is of dressing up like Timothy Chalamet just to get some attention. But the guy’s a great actor, right? Who the hell doesn’t want to sleep with Timothy Chalamet? And as my wife always says, ‘Diversity is our strength.’ Or maybe she says, ‘divorce is our strength.’ It’s hard to make out the words when she’s wearing the Timothy Chalamet mask.”

The party conference did become contentious when Democrats were divided between two different declarations on the war in Gaza, one calling for the immediate slaughter of Israeli Jews, and the other calling for their agonizing demise slowly over time. Ultimately, the two sides settled on a compromise calling for a two-state solution: the state of Israel, and the state dedicated to wiping Israel off the map if it’s the last thing they ever do.

In the words of DNC Co-Chairman Jasmine X. Stalin, “When Hitler killed the Jews, the Jews were good, but now that Jews are killing the people who killed the Jews, the Jews are Hitler and good is evil. And that’s what the Democrat party stands for: good, by which we mean evil.”

The Democrats say they will continue searching for the hidden reasons for their unpopularity until they can win elections again and get back to destroying the country.

* * *

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, After That, The Dark, is now available for Pre-Order. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.