Hegseth Faces Onslaught Of Hysterical Female Senators

Trump’s Defense Department nominee, Pete Hegseth, appeared before the Senate Armed Services Committee this week, where female Democrat senators tried to force him to declare that women are fit for combat duty by becoming hysterical and shaking their little fists at him, a man who could crush their skulls between the fingers of a single hand.

Women Democrat Senators like Kirsten Gillibrand, Mazie Hirono and Tim Kaine tried to hammer Hegseth with the mightiest power females have — the power to bully men into lying about women’s capabilities in the hopes it will buy them a few minutes of peace. But the senators’ attacks were dampened by the fact that they were leftists. Because they’re women; they lack the capacity for reason. 

The onslaught by the female Democrats was reminiscent of the playground scene from Alfred Hitchcock’s horror film “The Birds” in which legions of crows and seagulls and other shrill, cawing, vacant-eyed creatures, slowly gather on the telephone lines in what at first seems an innocent natural phenomenon but eventually reveals itself as the prelude to an uncanny assault on humanity itself, with the birds making up for what they lack in logical thought with the sharpness of their talons and a relentlessness that could drive a man almost to madness amidst the cacophony of wild screeching cries from their high-pitched, rage-infused voices — except instead of birds, it was Democrat women, which in some ways was even worse because they didn’t even have the mercy to peck out Hegseth’s eyes so he wouldn’t have to look at them while they tried to rip him to pieces because he refused to lie about women in combat.

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Kirstin Gillibrand, for instance, demanded that Hegseth answer two questions. One, do you think women can play an essential role in combat? And two, do you think this dress makes me look fat? Hegseth tried to split the difference by saying the dress was very appealing but women would disappear in combat like a faint pencil smudge under the force of an industrial-strength eraser. But Senator Gillibrand would not be satisfied until Hegseth showed himself willing to shower her with flattering deceit so she could continue to live in a dream world of feminine strength and competence rather than in reality, where she just feels so insecure and down on herself all the time.

Mazie Hirono demanded that Hegseth promise he would give up alcohol, women, nights out on the town with his friends and any hobbies that would distract him from her needs and desires. Hegseth, however, refused, saying he’d only met Hirono ten minutes ago and wasn’t yet willing to make that big a commitment.

And Tim Kaine asked Hegseth if it was true that he had had an affair with a woman and, if so, what was that like and were women’s bodies really as soft as they looked and why did they give him such a funny tingly feeling in his no-no places.

The obsession with feminizing combat units while the Chinese marshal their forces for war is part of a new Democrat strategy forming in the wake of Donald Trump’s victory over What’s-her-name in the presidential election. Whereas the old Democrats hoped to overthrow the immutable nature of reality with lunatic academic theories forced on the nation by censorious social structures meant to silence dissent, the new, reformed Democrat party has taken stock of its weaknesses and failed policies and now hopes to overthrow the immutable nature of reality with lunatic academic theories forced on the nation by censorious social structures meant to silence dissent.

So for instance, in California, Democrats made sure the fire department was stocked with women and that water policy was based on environmentalism. Then when Los Angeles burned to the ground while fat lesbian firefighters all named Kristin for some reason ran in helpless hysteria from one empty fire hydrant to another, Democrats sought to stifle criticism by having the mainstream news media write such headlines as “Homophobes Make Politics Out of Fire Victims’ Suffering.”

This same strategy should work really well when the Chinese invade New York and are met by combat units indistinguishable from the Rockettes. The New York Times headline could read something like, “Hong tsow chee qua su lai chu.”

Godspeed, Pete. Deus Vult.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A WOMAN UNDERGROUND,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.