How To Make Friends And Create A Sisterhood

Although we are living in an around-the-clock, digitally connected world, we sometimes paradoxically find ourselves disconnected from each other. But it hasn’t always been this way. People in generations past — Boomers, for example — would drop by unannounced to visit friends on Sunday afternoons or host family dinners regularly to bring everyone together and catch up on life. Today, the art of true friendship has torn apart at the seams, leaving Gen Z as a whole ill-equipped to maintain meaningful relationships. 

This was not a problem that showed up overnight, nor can it be linked to just one cause. We were the first generation raised online in a world of social media, we were locked down in a months-long pandemic on the cusp of adulthood, and we live in a time when lifestyles are as fast-paced as they’ve ever been. In general, Gen Z is made up of inside kids, so we grew up accustomed to socializing very differently than other generations.

Objectively, this is less healthy because we don’t have as much face-to-face communication in real life, and we all know that is important to a healthy, happy, and long life. We have been called the lonely generation, a generation who tends to isolate. Gen Z simply doesn’t interact with people as much as generations before us, including Millennials. But regardless of the reasons, Gen Z not only has difficulty maintaining friendships, but they also voice concerns about even being able to find friends. And sometimes, the online world can make it appear as though everyone else has tons of friends, which just leads to more feelings of isolation and loneliness.

Now, Gen Z is reaching adulthood, moving out, living alone, and asking a serious question: How do I make friends? I resonate with this question because, even though I wanted female friends as I was growing up, making girlfriends was a challenge for me. Part of this was because we moved quite often. I would make friends, keep them for about a year, and then move, so the friendship just withered away. I could never seem to make and keep solid female friends. I also had brothers so I grew up primarily around boys, and I was never much of a girly girl. Plus, I always found it easier to hang out with guys.

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There was, however, another reason making girlfriends was difficult for me, though I didn’t realize it at the time. Even though I wanted female friends, I had a rather negative view of femininity. The traits I primarily noticed about girls were traits I didn’t like, especially the promiscuousness, gossipiness, and silliness. I didn’t want to be associated with those qualities, and I allowed them to taint my perspective in general.

Now, however, I have learned those traits are not true of the gender as a whole. I’m no-nonsense by nature, but I realized I can embrace my femininity and be open to female idiosyncrasies. That change in perspective had to start with me, and when it did, I could see I had superficial ideas of what friendships were. I had to become more open and vulnerable, because in truth, being friends with women requires significant vulnerability.

Having learned all this, my first suggestion to the question of how to make friends is: Say yes to everything. If there’s an invite, accept; if there’s an event, go; and if there’s coffee, drink. Join a running club, go to trivia nights, and attend work-sponsored happenings. Even if you think you would not be friends with the person doing the inviting, go anyway. You probably don’t know them well enough to make that decision yet, and you could also meet other potential friends at the events they’re inviting you to. 

Be willing to put yourself in situations that allow you to meet people. In order to get out there, you must put yourself out there. It’s worth acknowledging this creates some discomfort, but if the desire for friends and struggle against loneliness outweighs being uncomfortable — which it absolutely should — then say yes. Be open. Be agreeable.

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Second, take initiative. Girls love doing fun activities together. If you’re at a farmers’ market and there’s a girl standing next to you, strike up a conversation. If there’s a girl at work you think you’d like to be friends with, ask her to get lunch. As much as saying yes is a great attitude to begin with, reaching out and being the first to take initiative to connect is even more productive when it comes to making friends.

I met one of my bridesmaids by randomly messaging her one day. She was a co-worker, and I had spoken to her exactly one time in the breakroom, but something about her made me think we could be friends. One weekend, a rodeo was going to be in town about an hour outside Nashville, so I just messaged her and asked her to go with me. That led to another rodeo and eventually a true friendship. She stood by me on the day of my wedding as one of my best friends.

I don’t have sisters, so I had always assumed I wouldn’t have bridesmaids. But on the day I got married, our wedding party included six sweet friends of mine — only one of whom I have known longer than two years. Those six bridesmaids are proof that I was able to find friends and create meaningful relationships with them.

Our fast-paced lifestyles aren’t always conducive to an afternoon meet-and-greet, and we scramble to even be able to FaceTime or send a quick text. Add to that the fact that fostering meaningful relationships is (and always has been) challenging, but even finding friends with whom to engage in those relationships can prove difficult. But friendship starts with you. It may require a perspective change, an open attitude, or a move with initiative, but the friends are out there — and they are looking for friends too.