Intifada! Communism! Cannibal Rage Mobs! It’s Just Another NYC Election Season

Some political observers are saying that New York Democrat mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani is a sleazy, two-faced, peddler of political snake-oil whose Communist agenda would only demonstrate yet one more wearisome time the capability of Marxism to reduce a city striving toward prosperity and peace to a rubble-strewn ruin of homelessness, crime and poverty in order to create an urban hellscape that would express through the human misery of others, a leftist like Mamdani’s virulent hatred of God, America, the Jews, humanity and himself even while he continues to disguise that hatred behind a smile of chilling insincerity and the sort of vague, Obama-like bromides of deceptive political oration that anyone but an idiot or a Democrat would recognize instantaneously as the mesmeric lies of a man whose heart has been poisoned by a diabolical socialist ideology that transforms every natural human instinct toward goodness into a bubbling black tar of destructive evil.

Other political observers are saying other things. Like, “What’s on TV tonight?” or “I wonder if it’s too late to get a reservation for dinner.” Because watching Mamdani’s rise to front-runner in the New York mayoral race is so disturbing, they’d rather think about practically anything else.

Left-leaning New York politicians are uncertain whether or not they should endorse Mamdani and have been nervously tracking the opinions of a mob of naked, blood-drenched maniacs who at first seemed to be the extras who played the rage zombies in “28 Years Later” but instead turned out to be the Democrat base. As New York Senator and career corruptocrat Chuck Schumer said, “I am one hundred percent in favor of Zohran Mamdani if that shrieking mob of naked blood-drenched zombies supports him, but if they would prefer to rampage down Fifth Avenue killing and devouring anyone who gets in their way, then I’m in favor of that instead. In other words, a lifetime of ideological pandering has left me a hollow doppelganger of the man God created me to be and I’ll basically do anything for just one more term in power before delivering the husk of what was once a human being into the hands of the Satanic overlord who owns the flaming ashes of my former soul.”

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On the other hand, shapely-but-evil New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has endorsed Mamdani enthusiastically, telling her supporters, “Men have sleep-walked into self-destruction while gazing at a hot rack like mine through all of human history, I don’t see why this mayoral election should be any different.”

Some journalists have temporarily roused themselves from the sleep of reason that produces monsters to report on some of Mamdani’s little peccadillos, like the fact that he’s a Jew-hating, Islamist-appeasing, anti-American dirtbag who once gave the finger to a statue of Christopher Columbus, and wants to defund the police, seize the means of production, transform the state of Israel into a rerun of the holocaust and reduce New York to a socialist slave-city on the order of 1970s Detroit.

But Mamdani answered those accusations in a charming speech to a vast collection of matrix-like pods that contained residents of Park Slope Brooklyn, who were happily living in a dream that the world was like it is in the New York Times while their brains were being drained of electricity in order to power the Democrat machine. Mamdani said, “Sure, I’ve got some ideas that would make New York City look like it had been trampled by a Stalinist Godzilla, but, you know, Ronald Reagan used to say that a person who agrees with you 80 percent of the time is a friend and an ally, and in the same way, a person who agrees with me 80 percent of the time will soon be lying in the gutter in a pool of his own vomit wishing he’d paid closer attention to that other 20 percent.”

The Park Slope residents greeted this speech with thunderous applause and then went back to dodging bullets in slow motion because they were dreaming they were in a New York Times editorial that said yes, Mamdani’s crime-infested New York would be riddled with gunfire, but don’t worry, just take this blue pill, and you’ll be able to dodge the bullets in slow motion.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A Woman Underground.” His most recent nonfiction release is “The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins). Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.