‘Jingle Bells’ Is Racist, Says Joy Reid

A recent video claims that the Christmas song “Jingle Bells” is racist. And lest you think that’s absurd, let me say that no less a philosopher than Joy Reid retweeted the video, because she had nothing better to do since MSNBC canceled her show when they found they couldn’t fit a camera into her padded cell. To be fair, MSNBC also canceled MSNBC, changing its name to MS-NOW, which caused the MSNBC audience to sit up and say, “Where the hell am I?” before she sank back into the marijuana-fueled haze she’s been in since 1969. 

The idea that “Jingle Bells” is racist emanates from the work of a Boston University professor who says “Jingle Bells” isn’t racist. The professor does say the song may have been first performed in a nineteenth century minstrel show, where white people dressed up as black people in the hope of tricking the audience into thinking they had musical talent. The author of “Jingle Bells” wrote songs for such black-face shows, and also fought in the Civil War on the side of the Confederacy, but he’s dead now so he got his. 

What’s left is the song itself. And yes, it certainly is a sinister anthem of racist bigotry with such offensive lyrics as “Now the ground is white,” which clearly suggests white supremacy to anyone who is so google-eyed crazy they wear their baseball cap backwards just in case someone should try to sneak up behind them. The very lyrics, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way,” constitute an obvious and vicious attack on the aspirations and dignity of a race of oppressed people whose suffering cries out so loudly and persistently that it is inexplicable how I managed to fall asleep before I even finished writing this sentence. 

Thus, “Jingle Bells” joins other foul expressions of Christmas wickedness like “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” That song recreated the age-old ritual of flirtation and seduction that has given both men and women some of the most pleasurable moments of their lives. It thereby angered feminists by reminding them how unfair it is that no one ever flirts with them because their scrunched-up faces and shrill falcon-like voices would shrivel the desire of a satyr, not to mention the fact that squeezing even fifteen seconds of desirable femininity out of those shrikes is barely worth the trouble of lighting their cigarettes, so who cares how cold it is, go home already.

Now, of course, I don’t mean to make fun of the ridiculous clowns who bring these matters to our attention. After all, it’s deeply important not to turn our eyes away from anything about this season that we can pretend is offensive. Otherwise, people might drift off into a state of complacent holiday cheer, humming merrily as they greet one another on the snowy streets with a reawakened sense of fellowship and well-being brought about by the knowledge that the savior of the world was born on Christmas Day to save us all from Satan’s power with his everlasting love and forgiveness. What a waste of our brief time on earth it would be to focus on that, when instead we could be dredging up centuries-old acts of unkindness that may or may not have been committed by people who, anyway, are now long dead — so they got theirs.

We must never allow ourselves to become so immersed in feelings of good will towards men that we miss the opportunity to poison the pleasure of seasonal merry-makers by twisting the facts until we can append some imaginary crime or other to yet another facet of what used to be the happiest season of the year. We must always remember that if we can manage to make even one person feel guilty for something he never even dreamed of doing, it will make us seem like virtuous culture warriors instead of the useless jerkwads we so obviously are.

So remember…. Even if someone just says, “Merry Christmas,” be sure to point out that that is not inclusive language, and it offends those people who don’t believe in Christ and thus cruelly reminds them of the lonely, tortured hell of godless eternity they will experience after death. Jingling all the way.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, After That, The Dark, is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan.

The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.