Oh No! Trump Is Cutting Government Spending! 

As Donald Trump and Elon Musk set about cutting government spending this week, a heroic coalition of Democrats, journalists, jihadis, shadowy deep state functionaries with sinister agendas even Satan could only guess at, and various other semi-anthropoid creatures who seem to have crawled out from under a rock called a mass protest of fifteen or sixteen people outside the place where the U. S. Agency for International Development used to be before it sank dinosaur-like into a bubbling tarpit of anti-American radicalism.

Senator Chris Murphy, a Democrat from under a rock in Connecticut, told the gathered wastrels: “Just in the last few years, the federal government has spied on churches, terrorized parents trying to protect their children from Teacher Union perverts, mandated the use of untested vaccines, facilitated the sexual butchery of minors, encouraged the burning down of cities in the name of a drug addict who died resisting arrest, and terrorized dissenting Americans with financial ruin, censorship and prison. If Trump cuts our spending, how will this important work of government continue? We are in a Constitutional crisis, namely the crisis of having a Constitution, or wait, maybe that isn’t the same thing.”

Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer was also on hand and said, “Trump’s illegal attempt to enforce our laws at the border threatens the efforts of Mexican drug cartels to colonize our southern states. That means when you watch the Super Bowl, you won’t be able to afford crappy Mexican beer with guacamole, but will be forced to settle for a Sam Adams, with Fritos dipped in onion soup and sour cream, which I have to admit tastes absolutely amazing.” Schumer then attempted to lead the crowd in a chant, but the chant died away when the crowd realized Schumer was the living avatar of human corruption.

Ilhan Omar, congresswoman from the state of perpetual jihad, was also there, protesting cuts of millions of dollars in American aid to Islamist terrorist organizations. “We must not destroy our democracy by electing a president who won’t destroy our democracy,” said Omar, and then detonated a suicide belt she had strapped to our democracy.

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To help organize a wider resistance to Trump’s spending cuts, the Democrat National Committee called an emergency meeting to elect new leadership who could respond to the party’s growing unpopularity. DNC Chairman Fidel Jihad Mohammed Mao Mohammed Mohammed Jihad explained that the DNC voting rules required each member to cast a vote for one male and one female unless the male was non-binary and the female gay in which case they could elect two pansies and a sassy fat black woman who would say nonsensical things in an angry voice for no particular reason. In the event two white males should inadvertently vote for four different people with the same sexual orientation, then an illegal migrant gang member could break the tie by killing a random citizen and declaring himself a female in order to be locked in a cell with an actual female who would be forced to bear his child who would count as two Democrat votes, being both an ex-con and a bastard. Though most of the DNC attendees got bored and went home during the explanation of the voting rules, the remaining Democrats elected David Hogg as vice chairman, who although he is a white man, qualified as a DEI candidate by being an incompetent mediocrity.

Unfortunately for Democrats, by the time the DNC vote was over, Donald Trump had conquered Greenland, built a resort in Gaza and won free passage for American ships through the Panama Canal while Elon Musk invented a rocket shaped like a gigantic middle finger that could fly through the center of Beijing, and particlize Russian soldiers in Ukraine before landing on Mars where it would release robots who would build a Tesla factory.

The New York Times, a former newspaper, immediately called on the FBI to investigate Musk’s business practices but their call was answered by a recorded message which said, “All our agents are currently in prison, so please hold the line during this string quartet cover of “Ghosts of the Undead” by Six Feet Under and we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re no longer a bunch of evil fascists.”

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A WOMAN UNDERGROUND,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.