Our Intelligence Community Has Been Run By Delusion-Riddled Deviants

According to reporting by Chris Rufo and Hannah Grossman at City Journal, employees of the National Security Agency and other Intelligence agencies have been gathering on a work-related chatroom to discuss their transgender surgeries and kinky sex preferences.

Now I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking: Wow! That’s a relief! Here I was worried about the growing threat from China, an imperialist genocidal slave state that’s not only outstripping our military in preparation to destroy us at war, but has already infiltrated our society through congress, universities, corporations, Hollywood, and the news media in order to influence our politics, steal our technology and silence critics of their evil regime.

But why worry? The brave men and women of our Intelligence Community have been on the job — along with the brave men in our Intelligence Community who think they’re brave women and the brave women who identify as brave men, and the brave non-binaries who identify as brave lesbians so they can have sex with other brave lesbians because essentially they’re really just brave men who happen to want to wear glittery mascara for some reason — but anyway the point is that all these brave mentally ill perverts of the Intelligence Community are hard at work responding to the insidious Chinese penetration of our society by going on a chat site to discuss how to turn their penises into fake vaginas so they can enjoy some insidious penetration as well.

So sure, it is true that the Chinese Navy is growing by leaps and bounds while our Navy dwindles to nothing and that one Chinese shipyard can produce more vessels than all American shipyards combined, but at least we can feel confident that somewhere, an NSA employee is online chatting about how cool Xi Jinping is because he is called “she” and so is he… called she… if you see what I mean.

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And okay, American news outlets like CBS, NBC, ABC and CNN are likely suppressing critical information about China because they’re all owned by entertainment conglomerates that have already proven themselves willing to crawl through the dirt like spineless centipedes to protect their profits by censoring content at the behest of Chinese tyrants. But at least our American Intelligence agents are sharing critical information like how to create an SM dungeon in your own basement so Chinese political dissidents won’t be the only ones to enjoy getting tortured.

And yes, Xi Jinping has declared that his international enemies will: “Have their heads bashed bloody against a Great Wall of steel forged by over 1.4 billion Chinese People.” But those who guard our nation secretly have answered that declaration by themselves declaring that if you take enough estrogen to grow breasts, you can stay home and fondle yourself and cut out the middle man.

Don’t get me wrong. The Intelligence Community has been shown to spy on Americans’ private phone and email communications, so I wouldn’t want to insult any of them by calling them a bunch of delusion-riddled deviants who would be more usefully employed shuffling up and down the hall of a secure psych ward with their bleached asses hanging out the back of their half-open hospital gowns, than being tasked with anything as urgent as foiling the Chinese in their long term plan to exterminate American freedom as they’ve exterminated Uigurs, Tibetans, Christians and the Falun Gong. And given the power of Chinese-influencers to destroy my career, my reputation and my life by mobilizing the American politicians and corporations that have sold their souls to this hostile foreign power for a few pocketsful of gold, I would never ever want to suggest that the bizarre proliferation of delusion-riddled deviants in our Intelligence Community is in any way connected to Chinese operations like TikTok, where millions of American young people are unwittingly guided to videos encouraging them to become delusion-riddled deviants like the useless clowns at the NSA.

So if I’ve offended the Intelligence Community or the transgender community or our dear friends the Chinese, I just want to say I’m han han han han so sorry because it’s han han han han han so important that all of us can be free to be ourselves until none of us is free at all.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A WOMAN UNDERGROUND,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.