Why I stopped arguing with my Trump-hating relatives

It’s 2025, and the United States is the most powerful country in the Western world. If you would like to call it an empire, then it is the most powerful empire in the world. Our presidential elections seem to decide the fate of the world.

We — all of us who vote — hold the fate of the planet in our hands. We live in the most interesting story on earth. We care so much. We follow every development. We are strident and certain, and all we can think about is politics.

Does it really matter if we 'win' one of these fights? We don’t win anything if we mercilessly beat our family over the head with facts and logic.

It’s understandable. It may be rude to say so, but some places don’t matter that much in terms of world history. America does.

If people all over the world seem to have strong opinions about what goes on in the U.S., then why shouldn’t we?

We should. But what do we do about our family?

When you're the family 'racist'

Some of us have families who all vote the same way. Many do not. The brother who calls you a racist. The sister who thinks you are a misogynist. The parents who say, “We don’t understand you any more.” All of this just because you voted for Trump.

Of course, in the face of this, we double down. Why wouldn’t we? We're human, and they are attacking us. Maligning us. Accusing us of being cartoonishly vile because we vote for things they would have voted for just 15 years ago. It often seems like we're only ones with any memory of how normal life was in the past.

And none of this would matter as much if it were random people on the street. But it pains you when it’s your own family. You can’t help but dig your heels in. Not only because you're trying to defend yourself, but also because you know they should understand what you understand.

They are smart. They grew up with you. They raised you. How do they not get it?

Facts and logic to the rescue?

“If I just push back enough, say the right things, and pummel them into the ground with the facts of reality, then I can make them understand.”

That’s what we tell ourselves. And that’s the same thing they tell themselves. But they won’t change, and neither will we. So we battle about the latest culture wars at family dinners. We scream at each other about foreign policy at the holidays. We make snide comments about tax policy just to rile one another up.

It’s all so pointless. Tense relationships and ruined evenings are all that comes of it. That’s it. There really isn’t anything else to gain. They aren’t going to change, and neither will you.

I know all these feelings and situations well. I used to be stuck in them. Not any more.

Love trumps Trump

In 2025, my siblings and their spouses vote just like my wife and I: for the right. Our parents don’t, but that’s okay. They are outnumbered by us kids, and they are basically old-school conservative Democrats anyway, if such a thing even exists any more.

And, of course, it doesn’t really matter, because they are my parents and I love them. And they are good people. Very good people.

I used to get into the same arguments with family members. But one day I just stopped.

I realized that politics don’t really matter when it comes to family. Yes, morality matters. That always matters. There are things that go too far. Things that violate our deep morals. Things that go against nature, and those things might require us to take a very uncomfortable stance, even with the ones we love.

But those things are rare. Most political differences aren’t really about those deep moral issues. We can let most things go with our family. We can choose not to get angry.

Pointless debates

Most of the stuff that starts the arguments isn't even actions that anyone participates in anyway. They are, more often than not, abstract opinions about esoteric issues. Talking points. Hot takes. That’s what we are getting all angry about. Pointless.

Does it really matter if we “win” one of these fights? We don’t win anything if we mercilessly beat our family over the head with facts and logic. It isn’t a victory if everyone goes to bed hating each other. It’s not success if you don’t talk any more because you don’t vote the same way.

Is that defeatist? Maybe. But it’s family. Are you canvassing the family reunion? Are the three votes that you think you might flip at your grandma’s funeral really going to make or break the midterms? Is it really worth it?

Narrator: “He did not, in fact, flip the deciding midterm votes at his grandmother’s funeral, but he did make the rest of the family angry.”

Yes, politics matters. Yes, we live in the most interesting story on earth. Yes, world history is made in our elections. It’s all true, but sometimes some things matter more. Sometimes politics don’t matter.

Especially when it comes to family.