CNN Airs Heartfelt Sit-Down With Masked Cartel Hitman

To prove that Donald Trump is a very mean person while journalists are totally compassionate and loving, CNN has aired a sympathetic interview with a member of a Mexican drug cartel. 

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Klavan, you marvelous merchant of magical mirth, only you could invent a scenario in which a Left-wing news outlet sinks so deeply into the bubbling tarpit of its own twisted political hatred that the lunatic idea of legitimizing a death-mongering gangster could wend its way through every level of internal decision-making without one voice of even semi-decency speaking up to say, “Wait, wait, we can’t allow our childish demonization of our political opponents to twist our souls into gnarled burnt offerings fit only for the altars of hell so that we actually call evil good and good evil right there on cable TV in front of our six or seven viewers.”

But no, my friends, I am not making this up.

CNN girl reporter Shapely Nudnick actually traveled to a Mexican hideout where she spoke sympathetically with a masked member of the Sinaloa Drug Cartel, whose former boss El Chapo was said to be personally responsible for the deaths of over 34,000 people.

Ms. Nudnick, winner of this year’s Pulitzer prize for most attractive backside, fetchingly leaned forward and asked the masked gangster – and as God is my witness, I am not making this up, “According to the Trump Administration, you are a terrorist … What do you make of that?”

The masked member of the murderous cartel responded, “I don’t like to get overly emotional because my job depends on inspiring terror in anyone who tries to stand in my way, but I must be honest and tell you this slur from your President Trump hurt my feelings very deeply. I am just a man trying to make a living in this crazy world, and when I heard I had been labeled a terrorist, my hands were literally shaking so hard I could barely shove a screwdriver into the face of one of my rivals. I respect President Trump, and respect is very important because people who don’t return my respect are often found inside plastic bags in several different locations. But a man must eat and, to be fair, our customers are mostly in the United States and as any good businessman will tell you, you have to go where the customers are and then slowly poison them to death. I hope the American people will push back against this insult, and if they don’t, I know where they live.”

WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show 

CNN has proudly announced that this interview is only the first in a new series of self-degrading acts of pure evil that will appear over the course of the Trump Presidency, and they’ve been airing tantalizing previews of future episodes. In one clip, Shapely Nudnik bravely travels to an undisclosed elementary school to interview a pedophile teacher who says, “I think it’s very cruel for people to demonize someone they don’t even know with ugly words like pervert and evil scum-sucking hell-fiend. I just thank heavens I belong to a teachers’ union where they support the idea that minor attracted persons can work at an elementary school. After all, that’s where the children are, not to mention the porn.” 

In another clip, Miss Nudnick scores an interview with former Nazi torture doctor Joseph Mengele who says, “It’s true I used to perform grotesque and unspeakable medical experiments on children, but I’ve totally reformed, and now I’m supplying kids with gender affirming care, because I’ve had a lot of practice, and that’s what I’m good at.” 

In other Left-wing media news, the Pulitzer committee has awarded its prize for photography to a picture of a bullet flying at President Trump’s head. Committee Chairman Thaddeus Foul-heart said, “We know that other photo of a wounded Trump raising his fist with the American flag in the background is the single most iconic image of the first quarter of this century, but that photo inspired love and admiration for our president, whereas we were rooting for the bullet.”

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A Woman Underground.” His most recent nonfiction release is “The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).