Hollywood Blames Trans Epidemic On Radioactive Spiders To Hide Severe Narcissism

Many people are wondering why so many famous movie actors are having transgender children to go with their fifteen-hundred-dollar Origami Cubic Pumps, and the sensuous new Liquid Under Shorts, which are perfect for those daring evenings when you pick up a smoking hot stranger in a Port-o-San at a West Hollywood construction site and then spend the next two weeks wondering why it burns when you urinate.

Now some experts feel the mathematically miraculous number of transgender kids parented by movie stars is due to the fact that each of these amazingly popular celebrities possesses a powerful charisma that masks a case of narcissistic personality disorder so extreme it would qualify as a psychotic condition of the type usually found in ax murderers, mass shooters and opinion columnists at The New York Times, and that an actor’s skill in slipping almost seamlessly into movie characters as diverse as Spiderman and Spiderman 2 is less a talent than a symptom of a mental illness in which the desperate loneliness of emotional emptiness is alleviated by the self-medication of performative delusions similar to those witnessed in psychiatric hospitals where inmates wander around believing they’re someone like Napoleon Bonaparte or Jesus Christ or Spiderman 2 instead of the addled, self-destructive, sexually ambiguous theater kids they in fact are, and that this combination of virulent narcissism and self-comforting delusion combine to render most movie actors as incapable of loving their own children as they are of truly loving themselves, so that the children of these famous thespians also never develop fully functional personalities and, in a tragic imitation of their seemingly successful parents, they become convinced they can find some comfort in a make-believe world where they are the opposite gender to the one God made them, and so they begin mutilating those portions of their bodies in which the urgent desire for the love and connection missing from their dysfunctional upbringing are most blatantly expressed, after which, as soon as they grow up, they plan to travel to Canada to take advantage of their program of medically assisted suicide.

Anyway, that’s how some experts explain the phenomenon. Other experts believe it’s the result of a bite by a radioactive spider.

To find out more, The Daily Wire sent our crack reporter Jimmy Crack to the West Coast to interview some of the silver screen’s most in-demand mentally ill people. In an article phoned in from Hollywood’s famous Michael Jackson Memorial Bathhouse and Daycare Center, Crack reported his findings shortly before he disappeared without a trace.

In Crack’s exclusive interview with Lola Vavoom, the ravishing female lead of the new hit Spiderman 2B, the actress explained why, of the seven children birthed for her by her faithful surrogate Lulubelle Squeeze, five have decided to change their sex from the one they are to the one they can never actually be.

Ms. Vavoom said, “I think it might have started when I was getting into character for the remake of Monster, the film for which my idol, Charlize Theron, won an Oscar playing serial killer Aileen Wuornos before Theron had her transgender child. Using the method acting techniques I acquired at the Scientology Self-Transformation and Daycare Center, I got into character by chasing my sons around the room with a butcher knife, screaming, ‘Here comes mommy to cut off your wiener, and I’d like to thank the Academy very much for this great honor.’ It was soon after that that all my sons came to me and said, ‘Mommy, I think we’re little girls, so will you please unlock the closet door now and let us out.’ I was so moved, I immediately scheduled their surgeries and rented a gown for awards night.”

Unfortunately, it turned out Ms. Vavoom was not eligible for the Oscar because the remake of Monster went straight to streaming on the Disney Channel, but there are rumors it will soon be made into a ride at Disney World’s new Gender Fantasyland and Daycare Center.

We hope Crack’s crack reporting has illuminated the issue of child transgenderism in Hollywood, and will help to inspire reasonable methods of addressing the phenomenon, like the forced sterilization of everyone in show business.