Journalists And Other Democrats Lose Their Minds Over Tariffs

Some people feel that the news media reacted to Trump’s tariff strategy like an hysterical woman who imagines she saw a mouse in her bedroom and leaps up onto a chair shrieking insanely until her husband rushes out of the bathroom where he’s been locked away with his iPad for the last two hours and tells her to calm the hell down which only makes her more upset so she starts babbling incoherently that it’s not about the mouse, it’s about the fact that she feels neglected, whereupon her husband breaks down and admits he’s been struggling with a porn addiction which makes her start sobbing uncontrollably because now she feels unattractive on top of everything else and the husband says, well, excuse me, but I have to go back to struggling with my porn addiction and locks himself in the bathroom again so that the woman totally flies off the handle, sets the house on fire and runs into the street screaming about Trump’s tariff strategy — until a doctor arrives and gives her a bunch of sedatives, proving that men never take women seriously because they sound just like the news media. Other people feel the news media reacted to Trump’s strategy more like a man who is locked in the bathroom with his pants around his ankles and suddenly realizes his house is on fire.

Now personally, I worry that this open distrust of American journalism may cause many people to have negative feelings about the most corrupt and destructive industry in the country. So let’s take a look at some of these tariff news reports and you can judge for yourself — or just let me judge for you, which will probably work out better for everyone.

In one example, the New York Times, a former newspaper, greeted the tariffs with a headline in 147 point type, reading: “Reee Reee Reee. Look out! Trump is Creeping Up Behind You! He May Already be Inside the House! Run for Your Life! Reee Reee Reee!”

Conversely, the Wall Street Journal, which was a newspaper until much more recently, greeted the turmoil in the stock market with a thoughtful op-ed by Milburn Pennybags, the CEO of the famous investment firm Sacks of Goldman. Mr. Pennybags wrote: “I don’t want to hear about some imaginary division between Wall Street and Main Street. We’re all together in this as Americans, each one doing his part, whether he’s helping to decrease the surplus population by overdosing on opiates in the gutter of a deserted street in what was once a thriving factory town or he’s sailing his yacht from one sun-drenched tax haven to another while panicking over the fact that he lost half a percent of the $400 billion he earned doing what looks for all the world like absolutely nothing. The fact is: Trump is destroying an economy that, to my mind, has been good for absolutely everyone, because to my mind, I am absolutely everyone.”

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Administration officials have maintained that Trump is trying to revolutionize a financial system that has left the U.S. at the mercy of the oppressive Communist regime in China. But NBC News’s Chinese Correspondent Ai Hei Chu disagreed. In a report from a submarine off the coast of Greenland, Chu said, “The financial system has been working wonderfully for decades, facilitating friendly relations between the United States and our much wiser overlords in Beijing. Without them, our iPhones would cost much more money and we would not be able to distract ourselves with soul-deadening videos while hostile foreigners take over our food and medical supplies. I even think we are well prepared for a potential war with China, as long as China will sell us enough bullets.”

CNN’s tariff reaction went viral after it was posted on X with the caption, “Conservative Scott Jennings slaughters, dismembers and buries the body parts of clueless liberal commentator.” The accompanying video showed CNN commentator Libby Clueless saying, “I think tariffs are just like Hitler because they’re German and have a small mustache,” whereupon Scott Jennings hurled himself across the desk, slaughtered her, dismembered her and was in the process of burying her body parts when he was apprehended and appointed assistant Treasury Secretary.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A Woman Underground.” His most recent nonfiction release is “The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).