Nolan’s ‘The Odyssey’ Inspires Millions To Pretend They’ve Read Homer

All social media is abuzz with talk about “The Odyssey,” Christopher Nolan’s film adaptation of Homer’s classic epic poem.

And many of you may be thinking to yourself, “Gee, I would like to join this scintillating conversation, but I’m afraid if I say anything, everybody will realize I’m a complete ignoramus.”

Well, have no fear. If you’re an ignoramus, you’ve come to the right place. We’re here to help you post intelligent-sounding content on a poem you know nothing about without actually having to read this foundational work of Western culture, which you also know nothing about.

If you want to discuss “The Odyssey” as if you were an educated person of sophistication, first, get in the mood by taking that stupid look off your face. Next, when composing your post, try to use at least a few multi-syllabic words like “concatenation” or “sacerdotal,” as in the sentence, “Boy, that concatenation sure is sacerdotal.”

If all else fails, try posting your early opinions on the platform X. That way, if it turns out you really are a total moron, you’ll fit right in.

Now, of course, if you want to talk about “The Odyssey” with an air of expertise, it might help if you know something about the author of the original poem, Homer. This is not easy because, as famous as his poems are, Homer himself was a mysterious figure who would come and go like the wind, leaving as his calling card only a single kiss on the lips of a sleeping woman.

Experts believe he lived in the 8th century BC, but they’re not sure exactly when because the math is just too hard. But we do know that many people think Homer was blind because he kept bumping into things, and all the statues of him have white eyeballs without pupils.

Homer wrote two famous poems, “The Iliad” and “The Odyssey,” but you don’t have to know much about “The Iliad” because Christopher Nolan didn’t make a film about that, and the one with Brad Pitt sucks. “The Odyssey,” however, has many famous stories in it, some of which are still relevant today.

For instance, there’s the passage in which the hero Odysseus and his crew sail past the Sirens, who sing beautiful and alluring songs that cause unsuspecting fools to try to follow them so that they dash their ship to pieces on the rocks, sink into the sea, and drown. Today, these same Sirens serve as consultants for the Democratic Socialists of America.

Then there’s the story about the witch Circe, who turned men into pigs, and later went on to become a famous feminist author also named Circe. Her book, “Men Are Pigs, So Live a Life of Rage and Loneliness Until you Realize Too Late You’ve Missed Out on Everything Worthwhile,” was a number one New York Times bestseller, even though it only sold seven copies, all of them to women who work at The New York Times. Many of Circe’s admirers later felt betrayed, however, when she married a ruggedly masculine billionaire in an elaborate Catholic ceremony with a “Spank me, Daddy,” motif and then gave birth to fourteen children, all named after pork.

Another famous incident in the poem that remains relevant today is the story of the Trojan Horse, in which the Trojans opened the gates of their city and let in the enemies who then burned Troy to the ground. This later became the immigration policy of the Biden administration.

Now some people may ask: why should we be interested in a poem that was written so long ago that people can’t even compute when it was? These same people may also find it difficult to walk and chew gum at the same time unless they keep looking down at their feet and have instructions on how to chew gum written on top of their shoes.

The reason you should read “The Odyssey” and other great works of literature is that it will help you become a more rounded and informed human being with a sense of where you came from and who you are.

The downside is that you will no longer be welcome on X.