Patriarchal Men Must Stop Telling Women Who They Can And Cannot Kill

You know, I may not be the most passionate feminist ally in the world, but frankly, I am getting absolutely sick and tired of patriarchal males going around telling women who they can and cannot kill. Murder is a matter that is strictly between a woman and her victim, and here in the 21st century, the last thing a strong, independent woman needs is some swinging dingle mansplaining the sacred nature of human life to her as if she couldn’t understand the concept or would care if she did.

I don’t want to lean too heavily on logic here, because I know that aggravates many feminists or at least leaves them standing frozen in the center of the room blinking rapidly and wondering what just happened, but allow me for one moment to exercise the male privilege of reasoned thought on the subject of abortion. We all know that abortion is a woman’s right. Otherwise, it would be slaughtering the most helpless innocent person in the room, which would be intolerable. If men got pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. Because if it wasn’t, the deliveries would be horrific, like a scene out of “Alien.” I don’t even want to think about it.

So if killing a person in the womb is a woman’s right, how does that change after the baby is born? Is the vagina some kind of magical portal that confers humanity on a baby the minute he passes through it? Of course not. He’s just as much a person after he’s born as he was before, so if abortion is a woman’s right while he’s in the womb, it certainly remains her right after he’s left the womb and begun crapping all over everything and keeping her up all night, not to mention ruining her lifetime dream of becoming the lead singer in a rock band as soon as she learns to carry a tune. So why should a man be able to get between a child and his mother and whatever blunt instrument she happens to grab the moment it occurs to her that the little brat shrieking that he doesn’t want to take a bath is also the reason she’s suffering from postpartum psychosis six years after the birth?

Come to think of it — and this is more logic, so try to stay with me, ladies — every single person walking the earth was once a baby in his mother’s womb. They were just as human then as they are now — some of these democratic socialists were even more human then than they are now — so if women had the right to kill them in the womb, I don’t see how that right somehow expires after they become democratic socialists. A woman’s right to kill is sacrosanct, whether it’s during an abortion or in a fit of pique or just through a slow process of complaining about every little thing until the victim simply loses the will to live.

Many of you younger people are not old enough to remember this, but in the old days, women had it very hard. If a woman made a choice to have sex, society could punish her with a pregnancy. And once she was pregnant, she had to carry that baby to term, and feed it and nurture it and care for it until that child loved her like his own mother and bought her presents and took care of her in her old age and sometimes even burst into sentimental tears at the mere mention of her name. It was a real burden. And it wasn’t that much fun for the mother either. She became not just a vessel of human life but a living symbol of love and creation, so that a man would stand up when she entered the room, spend his best years working to support her, and would even sacrifice his life to protect her in times of crisis. We don’t want to go back to these bad old days. Those times of crisis were dangerous! So we must protect a woman’s right to kill. Otherwise, men will have to start treating women with reverence and respect, which would take away from their time gang-banging them and watching porn.

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