Trump Renames Lake Ontario To ‘Lake Screw You, Canada’ In Brutal Diplomatic Victory

Some foreigners, and other irrelevant people, complain that Americans don’t care about their tiny, unimportant countries. And of course, that’s true, and for obvious reasons.

Why should we waste our time thinking about some weirdly shaped blotch on the living room globe when they can’t even speak English there like civilized people, and we could be focusing our attention on the mighty and virtuous empire that gave the world all the truly great people in history, like Babe Ruth and the Hardy Boys and Julius Caesar and so on?

But now and then, it is important to hear the latest news about some meaningless hellhole where we might be buying computer parts or killing people or… well, that about covers it, really.

So now, I’d like to catch up on what the Trump administration is doing to achieve our foreign policy goals, whatever the hell they may be.

Let’s begin with the war. This week, the administration announced it was going to unleash financial hell on our enemies by cutting them off from every possible source of income. Then, if that works in Canada, we might try it in Iran as well.

The Canadians objected to this in that girlishly adorable little petulant way they have, and so our president was forced to teach them a lesson by putting a 50% tariff on their major exports to our country, like hockey sticks and boredom. The Canadians — who really are cute when they’re mad — retaliated by continuing the negotiations in French so no one here could understand what they were saying.

In response, Trump declared he was going to change the name of Lake Ontario to Lake Screw You, Canada, whereupon the Canadians broke down and said that if we would just continue to name the lake after them, they would do anything we wanted, so we told them to stop talking with those stupid accents, because it’s just annoying. The deal should be finalized as soon as the White House can find someone who speaks French.

Meanwhile, in Iran, Trump has declared that the Strait of Hormuz is now completely under our control and will be moved to upstate New York and renamed the Strait of Screw You, Canada. The president says the Iranians are only days away from surrendering and admitting this whole Koran business was just a prank to get people to blow themselves up because they thought that would be funny. Trump says the end of the war would have been negotiated long ago, but we killed so many of their leaders that now the only Ayatollah left is a one-legged homosexual, who’s afraid if he steps down, the mullahs will throw him off a building before they find out about the whole fake Koran thing.

Finally, in the most shocking development concerning tiny little foreign people, the spare prince of England and his wife what’s-her-name have announced they are leaving the United States and returning to wherever England is because they thought they would be famous here, but instead no one cares about them.

The reaction in the U.S. was muted because no one cares about them, but in England, it was a different story. Due to one of their quirky, primitive indigenous superstitions, many people in England still believe it’s a real place and the things that happen there matter.

So The Daily Wire sent a reporter to London to gauge the reaction of the population and also pick up some Indian take-out. Our reporter interviewed one typical Englishman on the street, asking him, “How do you feel about the return of the spare prince and what’s-her-name?” The man replied, “Allahu Akbar,” then brandished a knife and chased our reporter around the Cupid statue in Piccadilly Circus, which disappointingly turned out to be just another street without any dancing elephants or acrobats like a real circus would have. Our reporter did manage to escape the attacker and ask another typical Englishman for his response, and the man replied with typical English honesty, “Allahu Akbar,” and ran him over with a truck.

So that’s the roundup of news from meaningless foreign places. If you’d like to learn more about countries that aren’t America, just write in and let us know, and we’ll have you deported.