Adults Are Cutting Off Their Parents. Are Therapists Part Of The Problem?

Young adults are cutting off their parents in increasing numbers, and some experts are pointing the finger at the therapists — who traditional wisdom suggests should be healing family rifts rather than reinforcing the divides.

Citing varying degrees of “trauma,” “toxicity,” and “abuse,” people in their 20s and 30s are cutting ties with the family members they’ve accused of participating in those behaviors — often their own parents — and claiming that their mental health would be at risk if they didn’t do so.

The Wall Street Journal published a report in late September on the alarming trend, noting a connection between the rise in younger Americans in therapy and the rise in family estrangement — along with several cultural changes that also appear to be contributing factors — and the perfect storm that followed.

It is certainly not a new concept for young adults to set boundaries or even cut ties altogether with their parents or other family members — and in some cases, particularly where physical or emotional abuse is a factor, it might be warranted — but the numbers have grown steadily in recent years, particularly since the outset of the COVID-19 pandemic.

The pandemic itself caused a number of people to cut ties with family members as some were convinced — with help from legacy media — that anyone who refused to get one of the vaccines, or even went outside without a mask, was actively and intentionally putting others at risk. Family members who would willingly pose a public health risk, they argued, should be cut off if only for the sake of self-preservation.

And that logic quickly spilled over into the mental health space, as teens and younger adults increasingly began adopting new gender identities. Parents or other family members who did not immediately accept and accommodate those new identities were labeled “abusive” and “toxic” — first socially and then, in some states, legally.

And while it’s certainly nothing new for young adults to rebel against their parents — nor is it new for parents to push back — the overall family dynamic has changed dramatically. Even a generation or two ago, the Journal noted, parents were typically “viewed as people with a shared history who disagree.” Now, as soon as parents cross into “non-affirming” territory, they’re seen as an enemy to be dispatched.

“Influencers” flooded TikTok and other platforms with videos about how they’d cut off a non-affirming parent for the sake of their own mental health. According to the Journal’s report, TikTok users shared more than 138,000 videos about going “no-contact” or “low-contact” with a parent in the past month — about 10 times the number posted during the same month in 2020. The vast majority of the content — more than 80% — was posted by women.

But how did it become “toxic” or “abusive” to simply voice a differing opinion?

Over time, the definitions of several key words have broadened almost beyond recognition — particularly for parents of those in their 20s and 30s today, most of whom were raised in the 1980s and 1990s.

The word “trauma,” for example, used to be reserved for “rare and uncommon” events that were by definition “outside the range of usual human experience.” Today, someone might describe being scolded at work by a supervisor as “traumatic.”

“Toxicity” and “abuse” have undergone similar metamorphoses, now being used as catch-alls to describe anyone who voices disagreement or challenges the beliefs held by the person using the terms.

Those broadened definitions, coupled with a hyper-focus on individual identity — to the point that protecting that identity supersedes relationships with others — have led to a culture in which blood is no longer “thicker than water.”

Joshua Coleman, a psychologist specializing in estrangement explained some the reasoning behind the decisions to cut ties with family.

“There’s this idea that if you don’t endorse or embrace my identity, you are no longer an ally,” Coleman said. “And from that perspective, cutting you off becomes a virtuous act of self-care and protecting my mental health.”

“Once the culture picked up on the idea of trauma that is everywhere, therapists really responded to that,” added the University of Minnesota’s William Doherty, a therapist and professor emeritus of family social science. “We also have a culture that blames parents for everything.”

Therapists, beginning as far back as the 1990s, were already moving to treat “gender dysphoria” by validating the patient’s feelings about their own identity rather than treating any underlying pathology. By 2013, gender identity disorder was officially reclassified from a mental health disorder to a sexual health issue.

So when parents — seeking answers and help for children dealing with those feelings — took their children to therapists for help, the results were predictable: therapists affirmed the children’s feelings, and if the parents didn’t agree, they became the problem.

The Cleveland Health Clinic even has a page on its website dedicated to helping children understand whether or not they should cut off their parents.

“Family conflicts can draw your attention away from your needs, goals and priorities. Many people who go no-contact end up taking better care of themselves because they have more time and energy to devote to their own health and well-being,” Psychologist Chivonna Childs, PhD, advises.

“Therapists gave estrangement the professional, authoritative stamp of approval,” Doherty said.

Pastor Andrew Packer of Good Shepherd Lutheran Church noted that the shift in family dynamics came from a move away from Biblical principles in culture generally and in the therapy space.

“On the one hand, there are some really abusive and terrible parents, and I do not blame children who cut off contact with them,” he said. “On the other hand, our culture has completely forgotten that all relationships are difficult and take work. They involve bearing one another’s burdens in love — and bearing one another’s weaknesses, annoying habits, opinions we disagree with, etc., in love too.”

“Therapists and the self-therapy that labels anyone who disagrees with you or doesn’t affirm all of your opinions and choices as ‘toxic’ is creating an environment where the 4th Commandment and the honor owed to parents is rejected swiftly,” he added. “Time and time again, I have seen loving, well-meaning parents treated like monsters. It’s another issue where we need our reality shaped by a Biblical view of things so that we can see clearly to properly address it.”

Packer went on to say that it was especially difficult for Christian parents to navigate that particular space, adding, “I think the hardest part for Christian parents is that we want our children to know the love and grace and mercy God has for them in Christ — and even that can be seen as ‘toxic.’ Love shaped by Christ and His Word should be central for all Christian parents.”

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