Blue Origin Sent Celebs Up For Minutes. They Came Back With Astronaut Egos.

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NASA’s Artemis II crew inspired all of humanity from the dark side of the moon. But on the one-year anniversary of the Blue Origin x Jeff Bezos all-female celebrity mission to, well, the sky, we’re brushing off trivialities like aerospace and the universe to honor the stunning achievement of Oprah’s best friend, Gayle King, and her elitist costars. I mean, space tourists.

“I don’t like that people are calling it a ‘ride,’” one time faux-stronaut Gayle King confessed, after spending eight minutes total riding in a rocket traveling 62 miles high. “Have y’all been to space?” Touché, Gayle. 

I recently ate at a restaurant that served “chicken and dumplings” in quotes because the meatless “chicken” was actually made of mushrooms. Here, I give you “space travel” and dumplings, starring a bunch of “important” celebrity “astronauts.” If you thought the original moon landing was fake, the capsule door opening after this Blue Origin landing was the fakest. Jeff Bezos even pretended to use a crank to pry it open after someone had already peeked out from the inside.

“These women are storytellers,” Sánchez shared before the launch. “They’re gonna come back and be able to share that story.” After Venmo-ing something between zero and $28 million for a seat, they’d probably tell any story you want. But this time, they would make herstory, causing Oprah to try to shed a tear at takeoff. Gayle was spot on when she explained that it wasn’t “just any space mission” like those other NASA trips.  

 

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For the record, I’m not dunking on the extraordinary scientists rocketing Blue Origin into the future. Instead, I hope to memorialize the dedicated crew featured on the company’s 31st spaceflight: “CBS Mornings” anchor Gayle King, Justin Trudeau’s girlfriend and singer Katy Perry, and Mrs. Lauren Sánchez Bezos. Rounding out the space-adjacent Spice Girls, former NASA rocket scientist turned “citizen astronaut” Aisha Bowe, self-proclaimed “civil rights astronaut” Amanda Nguyễn, and filmmaking “space socialite” Kerianne Flynn served as forgettable lesser-celebrities hogging Gayle’s oxygen. 

Over the past 11 years, Blue Origin has completed almost 40 flights, launching almost 100 people to zero gravity via the phallic, suborbital New Shepard rocket. But this crew was the most famous to date. But you guys, it was legit. They spent two whole days training for this mission, probably! 

Just like Artemis II, there was plenty of hype surrounding the Blue Origin crew, pre-launch, mostly drummed up by the celebs themselves and likely a few PR teams phoning it in. All new, very serious space suits were designed by Lauren Sánchez and the creative team behind fashion house Oscar de la Renta. Forget the baggy, oversized fits of other (male, ugh!) missions; these empowered women were determined to be snatched from any angle.

“I think the suits are elegant,” Sánchez said of the intentional “Star Trek”-on-top, Elvis-on-the-bottom, body con, flatteringly ombré look, which is really how it was described. “They also bring a little spice to space.”

Elsewhere, while NASA typically spends about nine months nailing down a precise food supply for its missions, Gayle spent the four days leading up to her launch packing the essentials. 

“I’ve been given this very special pouch. They call this your ‘space pouch,’” she shared, unironically. She also reminded us that packing for space was harder than packing for, say, a weekend in the Hamptons. She brought her grandson’s favorite doll, a jangly necklace, a charm bracelet, a cross meant for nervous flyers, a family photo, and an iPod loaded with CeCe Winans, JAY-Z, Sia, and Katy Perry. “Somebody asked me, ‘Can you wear necklaces in space?’” Gayle said. “I sure hope so!” 

The Blue Origin crew arrived at the launchpad, hanging out the windows of a Rivian as if it were a gilded Roman chariot. Then, they buckled up for the ride of their lives. “Yeah, baby, ‘Go for launch’ — my favorite words,” someone 100% professional said.

Once the celebrity crew entered their four minutes of weightlessness, the ladies squealed like little girls at a sleepover. They also made sure to pose for the camera to cheer, “taking up space,” like a bunch of Medusas with hair extensions instead of snakes.

 

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“The best part was when we got back in our seats, after zero G’s, Katy sang ‘What a Wonderful World,” Gayle recalled, still blushing with self-importance. “Isn’t that nice?” Not pictured: Louis Armstrong rolling over in his grave. And Neil Armstrong.  

Artemis II’s crew shared pics of the moon, but Blue Origin NS-31 shared pics of the real stars: themselves. Gayle kissed the ground once she landed, just minutes after she left. And before turning her space capsule party favor into a purse, Amanda Nguyễn posted an arms-in-the-air shot captioned “this is what justice looks like” when a snap of “this is what Earth looks like” from space would have been great. 

Katy Perry dramatically exited the capsule, holding a tiny daisy for her daughter (Daisy) and dropping to the ground in gratitude. “This experience is second to being a mom,” she said, while her soon-to-be-ex-husband Orlando Bloom looked on. 

On an Instagram account she designed specifically for this, Kerianne Flynn, or @spacekerianne, shared that she would be honored at the U.N., accompanied by an image of her wearing the Blue Origin spacesuit. “I have almost no words,” Flynn said after the flight, her voice shaking, her filler fighting her expressions. “It was the most incredible experience of my life.”

It’s all so deeply inspiring, it almost makes you forget what it felt like to listen to the Artemis II crew name a spot on the moon after Commander Reid Wiseman’s late wife, Carroll, before hugging and returning to their mission. 

The puffed up B.O. crew caught flak once they returned to Earth. Wendy’s targeted Katy Perry, asking, “Can we send her back?” And non-invitee supermodel Emily Ratajkowski posted, “Think about how many resources went into putting these women into space. For what? I’m disgusted. Literally, I’m disgusted.”

Gayle responded by somehow linking her brief space career to GPS and satellite research, as well as claiming she was an inspiration to even men who were now considering space travel as a thing. She had been to the Kármán Line that separates us Earthlings from Martians, and she was changed.

A year after their extraordinary journey (may it rest in peace after this momentous occasion), it seems the celebrity crew has left interplanetary life behind in favor of other stuff, like throwing the worst first pitch at a Mets game, seemingly getting a ton of work done, and eating trail mix at Coachella. At least, according to Instagram. 

“I’m so glad to be back on Earth,” Gayle said, having little proof she was previously living in reality. “I feel so proud that I did it.” Describing a view that most of us can only dream of, she added, “You see the planet, and the dark sky, and the neon blue line, and you feel, wow, we came from there. Wow.” Wow, indeed.