Brave Pop Star Honors Indigenous People With Human Sacrifice

I hope you all had a delightful Indigenous Peoples Day. My family and I love to celebrate by gathering under the indigenous peoples’ tree and singing indigenous peoples’ carols, then re-enacting some of the practices and rituals of the indigenous peoples by taking our clothes off and painting our faces, after which we invite the neighbors over for a barbecue and barbecue them.

Like the Iroquois, we find Jesuit missionaries particularly tasty, though unfortunately, most of our neighbors are Presbyterians, so we have to use a lot more spice. But we do try to keep it real by cooking up some of the actual recipes the Iroquois used when preparing to eat such missionaries as Jean de Brebeuf, or as the Indigenous peoples called him, Brebeuf Strognanoff, a tasty dish invented by Indigenous Peoples in the 17th century, about the same time European peoples were enjoying Rembrandt’s paintings, Newton’s science, and the English Glorious Revolution, which peacefully installed a constitutional monarchy with a bill of rights.

But we don’t celebrate any of these European things on Indigenous Peoples Day because it’s Indigenous Peoples Day. So mostly we sit around and try to figure out which of the many indigenous tribes broke the record for going the greatest number of centuries without inventing the wheel.

Another indigenous practice we like to remember on Indigenous Peoples Day is the land acknowledgement. Now many of you may think of a land acknowledgement as a speech or notice where a person or institution acknowledges that the land he’s living on or doing business on once belonged to a bunch of primitives who weren’t doing much of anything with it. And you probably think this sort of nonsense is mostly phony baloney virtue signaling by some privileged fat cat who never did a good deed for anyone and probably doesn’t even call his mother on Sundays, but now wants us to believe that he’s a nice person because he’s giving some meaningless shout-out to a bunch of long-dead tribesmen who have no chance of reclaiming their land and, even if they did, this schmuck would be the last person on earth to let them do it.

And, sure, all that’s true. But in their charming savage little way, the indigenous peoples also had land acknowledgements, like when the chief of the Sioux tribe stood up at a tribal meeting and acknowledged the Sioux had taken their land from the Cheyenne, who had taken it from the Kiowa, who had taken it from the Pawnee, who had taken it from the Arikara.

Then after that, the chief of the Sioux would laugh heartily, because he wasn’t giving the land back to the Cheyenne any more than the whites would give it back after they took it from him. In fact, after the land acknowledgement, the Sioux would also acknowledge that their tribe had now acquired a shiny new bunch of Cheyenne slaves, and then celebrate that victory by rustling up a tasty stew, if they could lay their hands on enough missionaries.

Now the one thing we do not celebrate on Indigenous Peoples Day is Christopher Columbus, because we agree with country singer Kacey Musgraves, who announced at her recent concert that Columbus was “literally the lamest person to probably ever exist. Like, for real. What a loser.”

All Columbus ever did was sail a ship the size of a dresser drawer nearly 5,000 miles over raging, uncharted ocean to open a hemisphere to the development of civilization, art, science, and technology where before there were only simple, rustic entertainments like human sacrifice, and an occasional relaxing afternoon sitting around not inventing the wheel.

That’s nothing compared to the accomplishments of Kacey Musgraves, who has written some very hummable little songs which no doubt the indigenous peoples would have enjoyed if they had had any instruments besides drums and whistles, or could have traveled to one of Musgraves’ concerts on something with wheels which, sadly, they never invented.

So I shout hooray for Indigenous Peoples Day because I just can’t say how sorry we all are that Europeans took their land and turned it into the USA. At least I can’t say how sorry we are without using the word “hypocrisy.”

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