Chokingonyourownhypocrisy Syndrome: A Field Guide For The Afflicted

Leftists, are you having trouble breathing, swallowing, or forming a coherent sentence? You may be suffering from Chokingonyourownhypocrisy Syndrome.

For many of you, it’s sadly incurable. Treatment would require summoning your frontal lobe to produce a single consistent moral or rational thought across any two topics, and that lobe, I’m told, was surgically removed sometime around 2016.

I myself am suffering from whiplash, struggling to keep pace with the antonymous thoughts, feelings, and hot takes being churned out and choked on by you guys and gals.

For instance, earlier this week, I was reliably informed that commenting on what women wear is NOT okay. Period. Ever! Especially when it comes to women’s gym clothing. Comedian Shane Gillis committed the unforgivable sin of doing exactly that, in colorful language, and was promptly told to kill himself and rot in hell. (Though we all secretly know the gym women who photograph themselves in tight, neon short-shorts that are being swallowed whole by their own buttcracks. Nobody asked the shorts for consent.)

Then yesterday, REVERSE! The media overlords collectively forgot that, mere days earlier, they had cried misogyny over a man’s comment on a woman’s clothing. Instead, they cheerfully began dragging the (now former) White House press secretary for her every physical characteristic!

Perhaps their collective memory now rivals a goldfish’s.

Vanity Fair’s style correspondent, José Criales-Unzueta, who dresses like a button-eyed character from “Coraline,” wrote this about Katie Zacharias’s first-day look:

Going by Zacharias’s look at her press briefing yesterday, she fits the bill. Her long hair was parted to the side in cascading waves and was paired with a white pussy-bow blouse done up inexplicably sans bow — perhaps to deliberately avoid any inevitable “grab ’em by the pussy” jokes — under a navy double-breasted skirt suit with wide shoulders and golden buttons, naval-style. A study of Zacharia’s personal social media reveals that she is more often than not wearing head-to-toe black or white, or black and white, in various kinds of tailoring styles, be that a vest-cut dress or a variety of suits. There’s also the occasional short A-line dress — Christian sorority-girl style — in pastel shades or, of course, MAGA red.

Cute. Criticism for thee, but not for me!

So which is it, leftists? Can we comment on clothing, or can we not? I’m fine with either. Just make up your ever-hating minds. 

Speaking of what women wear, it’s NFL season, baby, which means the WAGs (Wives and Girlfriends) of NFL players are out dressing to impress. Several have engineered their popularity into thriving businesses, crafting creative, artistic game-day wear for their men on the field and for every woman in the stands. Kristin Juszczyk, wife of San Francisco 49ers fullback Kyle Juszczyk, famously upcycles jerseys into custom puffer vests, tops, and coats. Her designs went viral after Taylor Swift wore one to a playoff game, and they eventually grew into a licensed NFL fashion line. Being a WAG has become a sweet career path in its own right, and people are hungry to know what it’s like.

But, as with everything good and fun in life, Chokingonyourownhypocrisy Syndrome takes hold if you haven’t been properly mentally vaccinated.

A chronic patient, Michelle Obama, had Kylie Kelce, wife of retired Eagles center Jason Kelce, on her truly awful podcast, “In My Opinion,” to ask her the hard-hitting questions. 

“Were you ever a WAG?” Michelle, the acronym stands for wives and girlfriends…so duh. But I digress. If this is the level of rigor your show offers, Hillary’s podcast may soon snatch the crown from yours in the Former First Ladies’ Garbage Podcast Division.

“Yes, I was a terrible WAG,” Kelce responded. “I felt like the term WAG itself reduced the women to being defined by the role that their husband held. I was fortunate on the Eagles; we had women who were lawyers, nurses, educators. We had these women who were seriously accomplished in their own right. And I’m like, ‘Don’t reduce yourself to get in line with him. You have your own stuff going on.’ And I was always really excited about the women with the Eagles, and never wanted them to be diminished.”

Wow! I’m shocked she managed to garble all that out with such hypocrisy lodged in her windpipe.

First of all, she is blatantly diminishing women who don’t hold law or health degrees, and she treats motherhood, entrepreneurship, and simply supporting one’s husband as lesser accomplishments. Marriage isn’t about shrinking your worth because you support your partner. It is the merging of two lives, two flesh becoming one, in which a wife’s accomplishment becomes her husband’s and vice versa. It is a partnership, not a competition. Just because the roles don’t look the same doesn’t mean the two aren’t equal, Kylie.

But secondly, come on.

Are we seriously watching two women, who are relevant to the media world solely because of their husbands, lecture us on how women shouldn’t be defined by the roles their husbands hold? Roles, and I’m just spitballing here, like president of the United States or a well-known NFL player?

Side effects of Chokingonyourownhypocrisy may include idiocy.

I don’t know whether this disease can be cured in certain women. TrumpRx offers the treatment at no cost to patients, but, alas, we can’t mandate that they take it.

But they need it. For months, patients have reported sympathy for a woman who strangled her three babies to death (and blamed hormones), while simultaneously insisting that women can run the world. For months, patients have declared that women have the right to do absolutely whatever they want with their bodies, while screaming that Sydney Sweeney using her assets to advertise a betting website is whorish and unbefitting. And for months, patients have preached that sexual freedom is the most important thing a woman can have and that nobody should ever judge what happens in a bedroom, while shrieking that consent while drunk doesn’t actually count and that sexual take-backs are perfectly fine!

Too bad they’ll never get the treatment they need. Side effects of the medication would include common sense, more respect from others, and the miraculous reattachment of that frontal lobe.

Sigh. One can dream. Until then, pray for those suffering from Chokingonyourownhypocrisy Syndrome.

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