Everything Was Fine Until Elon Musk Became A Trillionaire

Well, folks, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I always try to be honest with you and the truth is: something terrible has happened. Elon Musk has become a trillionaire, so now … everything is ruined.

It seems like only a week ago, when Musk was just worth $900 billion and life was great in this country. I had a beautiful wife. A couple of wonderful kids. Now … I look at my family and, sure, I still love them and all, but not like I’d love a trillion dollars. I mean, that’s a lot of money! But I don’t have it and Elon Musk does, so … everything is ruined.

It’s just like they said on the socialist website Left Voice — “A trillionaire Elon Musk is a morbid symptom of capitalism.” That’s right. Capitalism simply isn’t fair. After all, the Soviet Union had socialism for 70 years and ended up with nothing. Musk shows up in a capitalist country with $2,000 just 37 years ago, and now he’s a trillionaire so … everything is ruined.

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez was obviously right too when she said, “You can’t earn that much money” just by creating Tesla with its new energy storage systems, and Starlink, with its worldwide network of satellite connections or Neuralink, which gives paralyzed people the ability to use computers with their minds and SpaceX with its rocket ships that go into space and then come down and land safely on a platform the size of an inner tube so they can be used again and ultimately take mankind to Mars. You can’t earn that much money just by doing those things. Musk must have cheated his employees, by forcing them to work for low wages and stock options that have now made 4,500 of those employees millionaires themselves. And, okay, that might make them happy now, but wait till they find out they only have a lousy million bucks while Musk is a trillionaire so … everything is ruined.

To give credit where credit is due, a lot of politicians tried to stop this from happening. Senator Elizabeth Warren did a tribal dance to the Great Spirit of Sun and Sky who lives on Mackinac Island. Warren asked the Great Spirit of Sun and Sky to stop the fork-tongued white man from taking all that money like the whites took the land that belonged to Elizabeth Warren’s Native American ancestors. Unfortunately, the Great Spirit of Sun and Sky just looked down from Mackinac Island and said, “Whoever told that white girl she could dance?” Then he handed out cards good for a free gin and tonic at his new Sun and Sky Casino on Mackinac Island, and before we knew it, Musk was a trillionaire and … everything was ruined.

And just think what good we could have done with all that money if Musk hadn’t taken it. There are almost 800,000 homeless people in America. If Musk just divided his wealth among them, each and every homeless person could be smoking meth through a rolled hundred thousand dollar bill and talking to Venutians using a helmet made out of genuine tinfoil.

Even if Musk just gave away enough money to help one location, that would be something. For instance, there are 70,000 homeless people in the tent cities of Los Angeles alone. If Musk just gave $1 billion to the public officials there, I bet within a month, there would be some very happy public officials driving their Ferraris past the tent cities of Los Angeles. Instead, Elon Musk is a trillionaire and … everything is ruined.

Let’s face it. A trillion dollars in the hands of one individual just gives that individual too much power. With that much money, Elon Musk could come over my house and order me to do whatever he wanted, and I would have to do it, unless I didn’t want to, then I wouldn’t have to do it. Still, it would be really annoying to have Elon Musk coming to my house shouting orders at me all the time. What the hell is his problem?

Anyway, that’s the bad news. Everything is ruined. The good news is we’re going to Mars.