FreddyLA7: An Immigration Plan We Can Believe In

He’s blowing stuff up. He’s shooting guns. And he’s doing it all with friendly southern folks he just met an hour ago.

His name is Freddy, and he’s back.

After two agonizing weeks of radio silence, the internet’s favorite German is back on X, chronicling his trek across America, wandering through regions we rarely put on postcards, marveling at the small stuff most of us have stopped noticing entirely.

The reason for his absence: a mob of angry, almost certainly liberal, Reddit dwellers came for him with all the subtlety of a group chat spiraling at 2 a.m. He’s not really German, they insisted. Just a tourist milking the World Cup. An American plant. A CIA asset. A prop manufactured to make red, white, and blue look good.

What these people apparently cannot fathom is that a visitor might just love it here that much. Perhaps Freddy sees something the rest of us have gone blind to, grown numb to, or gotten too spoiled to appreciate.

Now that Freddy’s posting again, one thing has become undeniable: America needs a Freddy Protection Program. A formal mechanism to trade our America-hating, mask-hoarding DSA denizens for America-loving patriots from abroad. And the case for it writes itself.

First, Freddy values our First and Second Amendments properly. He’s lived out the First by refusing to kneel to the dementors, the joy-sucking ghouls of the online Left, and refusing to let them silence him. Instead, he keeps speaking his mind, because, in his words, “a small group of very loud people shouldn’t be able to ruin something that brought so many others joy.” Preach it, F-man. Wear that First Amendment out. And he’s getting a taste of the Second, too. Somewhere in the middle-of-nowhere beauty of rural Tennessee, he made fast friends with strangers who invited him along to shoot guns at random objects. The epitome of American greatness.

Freddy’s caption on his post documenting this moment perfectly captured the mood of our nation this month: “HOLY FCKING SHT FREEEEEDOMMMM!!!!????????????????????????????????????.”

A man who loves the First and Second Amendments that much? Immediate green flag.

Second, he isn’t here for the welfare checks. He’s here to devour American culture whole. In the two cruel weeks we spent apart, Freddy went full American. He swam in Pennsylvania’s lakes, watched grown men inhale pie for sport in Virginia, stood beneath fireworks blooming over the nation’s capital on the Fourth of July. He lounged on Delaware’s beaches, wandered the Outer Banks, played mini-golf in Myrtle Beach, and ate himself into a stupor on Bojangles, Sonic, and Taco Bell. Most DSA activists, meanwhile, don’t leave the house. COVID is apparently still raging in their world, and letting sunlight even the slightest bit brown their skin remains a bridge too far. It only makes sense to send them all to Germany, where the sun makes far fewer appearances than it does here.

Third, and this is the part that matters most: he loves it here, and he wants to stay. DSA demon dimwit dirtbags gather by the hundreds to plot America’s destruction, giddy with disdain for the place. Their members say the quiet part loud, openly calling to take our “Empire down from within.” They want to scrap our Constitution entirely and build themselves a Democratic Socialist Republic in its place. Presumably starting with the two amendments Freddy loves most. Some of them go further still, insisting every president since the founding has been “super evil.”

They. Hate. America.

Freddy doesn’t. Freddy loves it so much that he never wants to go home. And we should let him stay. The president ought to set up a Freddy Protection Program: let America-loving foreigners who show this country real gratitude take the place of the ungrateful socialists who’d rather burn it down. Because if the DSA dirtbags get to stick around, spreading their recycled, thoroughly unoriginal ideology unchecked, this country gets devoured from within faster than Joey Chestnut clears a hot dog. And I don’t say that as some prophetic genius. I say it because I’ve read the history. Russia tried it. The Soviet Union tried it. China tried it. Cuba tried it. Venezuela is still trying it, badly. Every single time, it failed, and it failed the people first. Best to nip the socialist bud before it ever blooms.

I see no downside here. The FPP creates patriots and casts out the pinkos.

This whole room can go. We’ll take Freddy instead.