Our Lady Of The Perpetual Habit: Whoopi Goldberg ‘Schools’ Us On The ‘Bible-Bible’ And War

Step aside, Thomas Aquinas. Make room, St. Augustine. There is a new Bible scholar in town, and she didn’t find her calling in a cathedral — she found it in a Reno lounge act and a Disney-funded wardrobe department.

Whoopi Goldberg, a woman whose theological training apparently consists of wearing a polyester habit in two “Sister Act” films, has decided that she is the preeminent authority on the “Bible-Bible.” Speaking on “The View” on Thursday, Goldberg donned her invisible miter to lecture the masses on why the U.S. shouldn’t deal with Iran, wielding Scripture with the surgical precision of a blindfolded butcher.

Citing the Beatitudes and the command to “turn the other cheek,” Goldberg lamented that her own cheeks are “getting tired” from all the slapping.

It’s a touching sentiment, truly. One can almost hear the angels weeping — or perhaps that’s just the sound of anyone who has actually read Romans 13 hitting the floor in a dead faint.

Whoopi, ever the humble scholar, warned her audience that they only have a “half a quote” and need to “get into the Bible-Bible” to truly understand that being a “peacemaker” apparently means letting a theocratic regime develop ICBMs.

Despite Joy Behar's refusal to apologize for calling Jesus a "narcissist" for saying he was the Messiah, earlier in the week, Whoopi wants to lecture the faithful on the right about the Bible and war. She says you need to learn about "The Bible-Bible":

GOLDBERG: But Jesus said,… pic.twitter.com/YmrDUIsqm4

— Nicholas Fondacaro (@NickFondacaro) April 16, 2026

It’s a bold move for a woman who previously informed the world that “there’s nothing in the Book that says anything about abortion.” Apparently, in Whoopi’s version of the “Bible-Bible,” God’s intricate knitting together of an unborn child in the womb mentioned in Psalm 139 was just a suggestion, and the “sword” the state bears in Romans 13 is actually a pool noodle used for rhythmic gymnastics.

But Goldberg’s expertise doesn’t stop at foreign policy. She’s also been there to fix the Catholic Church’s administrative issues. When Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone dared to enforce Canon 915 by denying Communion to Nancy Pelosi, Whoopi was there to set him straight: “This is not your job, dude!”

According to the Gospel of Goldberg, the Eucharist isn’t a sacrament requiring a state of grace; it’s a participation trophy for anyone with a “View” microphone.

She’s “schooling” us, folks. We just don’t understand the “Bible-Bible” like she does. After all, she played a nun twice.

That’s basically two-thirds of a Trinity.