Pollsters Predict A Blue Wave As Western Civilization Makes Its Final Arrangements

As the midterms draw ever closer, observers are beginning to ask: Are the polls dishonest? My first reaction to this question was simply: Let’s be fair.

I’m sure most Poles are perfectly decent, but those who are dishonest should go back to Poland, where they came from. Americans have an absolute right to maintain strict security on our borders with Eastern Europe. Otherwise, we’ll soon be overrun not just with Poles but with Hungarians and Romanians willing to do the patriotism and religion Americans won’t do.

Call me racist, but I think America is for Americans, and this vicious and underhanded attempt to replace us with people who have good values will undermine the American exceptionalism that has allowed us to descend into an exceptionally chaotic and unnecessary state of fatal decline.

Anyway, that was my first reaction. But then I started to think: Maybe those aren’t the sort of polls people are talking about.

Maybe — and just stick with me here a moment — maybe they’re talking about the other sort of poll where a researcher calls a couple of random cell phones before realizing absolutely no one is going to pick up a call from some annoying little pest like himself, after which he invents a bunch of interviews with imaginary people and scientifically weights them by declaring 85% of them his fellow Democrats, thus producing some absurdly unbalanced prediction of a blue wave designed to make any normal Republican candidate fly into a panic and try to protect his failing candidacy by silencing his underage mistress until he accidentally kills her when she won’t stop screaming, then desperately tries to bury her body in a shallow grave but is caught in the headlights of a passing patrol car and dies in a running gun battle with police. Just as an example of the sort of polls we’re actually talking about.

To answer the question of whether such polls are dishonest, we at The Daily Wire decided to go straight to the horse’s mouth — or possibly ass — by sending our crack reporter Seymour Crack to interview what were either likely voters or just random people walking by the office. We asked these respondents one simple question: Who are you going to vote for and why? Which, all right, is either two simple questions or one slightly more complex question.

CHECK OUT THE DAILY WIRE MIDTERM HUB

Our first respondent was a typical independent voter, Chuck Reason, who told us, “I’m voting for Abdul El-Sayed because gas prices are way too high, and El-Sayed is a man who wants to grind this country into rubble and replace it with a shriekingly oppressive Islamist tyranny, which is sure to lower prices at the pump by at least six Iranian rials a gallon, or approximately one zillionth of an American dollar, and that’s what I call victory.”

To get the opinion of the fairer sex, we interviewed typical Democrat female Harridan Screamly, who told us, “I want life to be more fair, so I’m voting for the Democratic Socialists, because socialism is what they have in France and I love the way the light from the flames of their burning cities illuminates their beautiful 500-year-old monuments just before the monuments collapse into a pile of smoldering ashes, carrying their magnificent culture with it.”

We also wanted to be careful not to exclude minorities just because they’re plotting to kill every last one of us, so we interviewed Muhammed Jihad Tucker Muhammed Carlson, who told us, “We have to stop allowing evil Jews to lure us into wars against terrorist nations that want to kill every last one of us. The demonic cruelty of the Israeli war in Gaza has brutally crushed the Palestinians’ hopes and dreams of killing every last one of us. So how can we support a Republican party that puts the interests of Israel above those nations that want to kill every last one of us?” At this point, Mr. Carlson released a chilling skirl of high-pitched laughter, before he was wheeled back to his cell.

So there you have our crack on-the-scene reporting. Now you can answer the question yourself: Are polls dishonest — and if so, why do women keep dancing on them dressed like they’re at the gym?