The Ugly Truth About Treating Your Family Like It’s Replaceable

“No Contact” by Noelle Mering comes at the perfect time. Estrangement from family and friends is not a new phenomenon, but the madness of 2020 was a tipping point. Since then, estrangement has touched virtually everyone in our country in one form or another. Many of us have lost friendships and family relationships in the divisive climate we live in, and we carry the heavy grief of those losses. Many of us have tried to move on and pretend it’s okay, but we know it isn’t. “No Contact” is an antidote to that pain. At a time when so much of our culture is designed to tear us apart, Mering’s book is a gem that reminds us how to reconnect with the people who matter.

“No Contact” tackles an important topic with wisdom, compassion, and grace. It offers valuable insight into why and how estrangement has become so widespread. Mering gives historical context, important cultural analysis, and powerful personal stories, all of which paint a clear picture of why the disruption of important relationships has become commonplace. While the book explains the roots of the estrangement problem, it also offers constructive solutions and practical insights. “No Contact” doesn’t pretend to be neutral, yet it manages to humanize everyone involved and provide a multifaceted perspective.

Mering’s writing reminded me how important family is, as imperfect as it may be. The chapter “Chosen Family” particularly stood out to me because it examines how people try to replace family with friends and other communities. Mering discusses television shows like “Friends,” which idolized the concept of a chosen family. In real life, however, it doesn’t always work as well as Hollywood has led us to believe. She writes about how people move on and family obligations, such as raising children or caring for aging parents, eventually take precedence. She also points out that it is easier to find support when you are young, healthy, and attractive. As we age, however, it becomes more difficult.

I saw this phenomenon unfold firsthand while I was a social worker with San Francisco’s Institute on Aging (IOA). I met many individuals who had left their families and moved to San Francisco to participate in the sexual and countercultural revolution of the 1960s. While the LGBT community often celebrates the concept of chosen families, reality can paint a much grimmer picture once the youth and glamour wear off. Many of my clients were left alone, without partners or children to care for them. The PACE program, subsidized by Medi-Cal dollars, provided subpar care with social workers like me carrying overflowing caseloads.

Some of the IOA patients came from abusive homes where estrangement was warranted. Many, however, did not. Estrangement was a choice, and they ultimately paid a heavy price for that choice later in life. Mering’s writing highlights how we can convince ourselves that family is replaceable, but in reality, as I observed in San Francisco, it isn’t.

Another interesting point Mering makes is how divorce culture has created a backdrop for the ease with which people decide to go “no contact.” She writes, “We can’t sit comfortably within a culture that treats divorce casually and then condemn young people for ‘divorcing’ their families.” As someone who grew up in a divorced family and is surrounded by people affected by divorce, this struck a nerve. I realized how much I had normalized divorce in my own mind.

Mering isn’t writing to demonize struggling families. Rather, she points out that when marriage is viewed as temporary, children may not learn to trust future partners or remain committed to family during difficult times. She writes, “Every rupture, however justified, reinforces the same corrosive idea: You can be replaced.”

This connects to another issue Mering explores: the growing narcissism, fragility, and occurrence of Cluster B personality disorders within our culture. Personality disorders are enduring patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that can disrupt a person’s relationships, emotional regulation, and ability to function. One of the hallmarks of borderline personality disorder is a fear of abandonment. There are many facets to this issue, but as more children are born outside of marriage and family structures become increasingly unstable, building and maintaining solid, lasting relationships can become more challenging for the next generation. Mering describes the narcissistic culture we live in with precision, and her interview with psychiatrist Hanna Spier offers additional insight into these dynamics.

“No Contact” also highlights the transgender movement as a significant source of family division. As a therapist who works with parents who have been cut off by their trans-identified children, I was impressed by Mering’s skillful explanation of the complexity of the transgender movement and the ways it influences young people to distance themselves from loving parents. Mering isn’t a therapist, but she demonstrates a deep understanding of the complicated dynamics within these families, and that understanding comes through in her writing. “No Contact” is an excellent resource for families affected by false gender identities, and it will be added to my list of recommended reading as I continue to support them.

Overall, what I liked most about this book was the way it offered nuanced explanations for the rise in estrangement while remaining constructive and hopeful. It acknowledges the profound pain that parents and other family members experience when they lose relationships with loved ones, while simultaneously highlighting resilience, hope, and faith.

“No Contact” serves as a reminder that while there is much about our relationships that we cannot control, there is also a great deal we can do, and it starts with valuing those relationships. It was serendipitous that I received my review copy of this book just before a family visit and reunion with British cousins I hadn’t seen in more than 10 years. Reading this book heightened my gratitude for family and for the people in my life. It also motivated me to attend to relationships that have become strained. If this book were on everyone’s reading list, perhaps our nation would be a little less divided.

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Pamela Garfield-Jaeger, LCSW is a licensed therapist.  She is the author of A Practical Response to Gender Distress: Tips and Tools for Family and Froggy Girl.  You can find her on IG at @the.truthfultherapist, X as @pgarfieldjaeger and Substack as Pamthetruthfultherapist.

This article is part of Upstream, The Daily Wire’s new home for culture and lifestyle. Real human insight and human stories — from our featured writers to you.

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