Why are Christian women cheering on divorce?

Bad advice has always been abundantly available throughout history. But our ancestors were somewhat limited in how many sources of advice they could tap.

No such limitation exists today.

When Jesus named lust as a real, heart-level violation, He wasn't handing people a new, more permissive category of 'biblical grounds for divorce.'

Bad advice gushes from a firehose called the internet every minute of every day. On social media platforms, we’re drowning in it.

I’ve been writing about Christian women’s groups online and the bad theology they’re facilitating. To be honest, these kinds of groups are highly problematic, because anyone who claims to be a Christian can join, and a lot of the participants seem to consider the group a reasonable substitute for a church.

But no sound doctrine + endless opinions with zero scriptural basis + no personal relationships = a pretty awful “church.”

Imagine that. An army of young women, some of them with virtually no knowledge of Scripture, posting anonymously. What could possibly go wrong?

It’s almost like God knew what He was doing when He left us a book and instructions on how to learn it alongside fellow believers.

But I digress.

The problem with 'Christian' social media groups

These groups are growing and becoming more dangerous because the sheer volume of bad teaching being bandied about is mushrooming. Recently, I wrote about people who say they don’t need church (they’re wrong; you can read why here). This, of course, is just one of many examples of bad teaching: Christians are commanded to love and care for one another, which is pretty much impossible to do from your sofa.

But perhaps the most common bad advice given in virtual so-called Christian groups is something along these lines:

You gotta run, girl.

This is a common response to someone complaining about almost anything a husband has done. Of course, due to the nature of anonymous storytelling, we have no way of knowing if any given anecdote is a creative writing exercise designed for attention and clicks (yeah, that’s definitely a thing), or a genuine account of abuse (in which case, anonymously sharing it with a bunch of strangers is a profoundly unhelpful waste of time).

So if a woman shares that her husband gave her an STD or a whack across the face, of course people are going to respond with “you gotta run, girl.” Although in a case like that, I wonder if a bunch of strangers has ever been successful in persuading someone to make a life-altering decision. Because a bunch of randos on the internet for sure shouldn’t be your counsel for that kind of decision.

Common 'grounds'

But what I see more often — very often — is a woman reporting a husband who is emotionally unavailable. Or spends too much time at the office. Or has some bad habits (ranging from very serious, like porn usage, to just irresponsible and immature, like extended video game sessions).

Yet in almost every case, SOMEONE will spin it up into “you gotta run” because, she’ll argue, if he spends too much time working that means he’s abandoned you and the marriage — you have a biblical right to a divorce. He isn’t meeting all your emotional needs, he’s not fulfilling his marriage vows to care for you — you have a biblical right to divorce.

You can twist almost anything into a "biblical right to divorce" if you’re looking at it that way, so that’s maybe not the right way to look at it.

Yes, there are biblical grounds for divorce. They are pretty narrow. And there are situations (physical safety) where separation is the wisest course, whether a divorce is sought or not.

The problem with twisting everything into “grounds for divorce” should be self-evident. For one thing, those being invited to opine are only getting one side of the story, in most cases anonymously at that. It gets lots of clicks in the Facebook group, but it’s absolutely awful for the souls of the people involved.

Let’s be clear: God hates divorce. Because of people’s hard hearts (and to protect women), He allows divorce in certain very limited scenarios. But He still hates it, and note: Divorce is NEVER required.

There are so many better options, especially when children are involved. A few that can be used individually or in combination:

• Fervent prayer (and asking other trusted folks to join in prayer);
• Counseling with a biblically minded pastor;
• Marriage strengthening ministries/books/programs;
• Some time apart;
• In cases involving danger/abuse, formal separation; and
• In cases involving adultery or abandonment, divorce is allowed — but not required, especially if there is true repentance/confession, along with willingness to work toward reconciliation and rebuild trust.

What happens to the young woman who takes her complaint to a group like this, and gets countless admonitions that she needs to get out? That her feelings trump any other considerations? That his behavior is abusive (a definition I’ve seen stretched to include such "abuses" as leaving his socks on the floor, since it shows disrespect for her work caring for the home)?

If dozens or even hundreds of people tell you you’re being abused, you will start to believe it. You’re going to lean hard in that direction. The direction that God hates.

The cancer of pornography

One of the most common complaints, sadly, is that the husband is using porn. This is 100% a cancer to the marriage, and it defiles the holy union. Many claim that porn itself is grounds for divorce because Jesus said if you even look at a woman with lust, you’re committing adultery.

I asked a pastor friend to comment on this passage, and he was gracious enough to provide full context around this portion of Scripture, so that we can bring the whole counsel of God to the topic. Anyone contemplating divorce due to this issue would do well to consider his points:

First, in Matthew 5, Jesus is declaring Himself the pivotal point of history; the One to whom all the law and the prophets point — and He then shows how the Old Testament is validated and finds perfect continuity in His teaching (5:17-18).

But there's a problem: Jesus knows that much of what the crowd on the mountain has heard about the Old Testament is not actually Scripture, because the Pharisees treated certain oral traditions as carrying equal authority with Scripture itself.

That's why Jesus begins each of His next five teachings with the same formula: "You have heard it said (whatever the Pharisees claimed) ... but I say to you (Jesus’ perfect teaching)."

In each teaching, His concern is to correct people's distorted understanding of the Old Testament and point to the true direction the law was always aiming.

In 5:27-28, Jesus says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Apparently, some believed that as long as they didn't actually sleep with someone, they were in the clear.

But Jesus wasn't satisfied with mere formal obedience to the letter of the law. He wanted to expose the heart of purity the law was always meant to protect. He deepens the seventh commandment by connecting it to coveting another person's spouse; in fact, the Greek word translated "lust" in most Bibles (epithymeō) is the very same word used for "covet."

It's worth noting this doesn't mean noticing someone's beauty or feeling attraction.This coveting another person is the deep-seated greed to take and possess someone who doesn't belong to you.

RELATED: Dolly Parton never had to leave her husband to find herself

Michael Putland/Getty Images

'Adultery in the heart'

Some today do use this passage to argue that porn is grounds for divorce, which is understandable given the real sin of lust and the real pain of betrayal and the devastating consequences they carry. But the distinction Jesus makes is important: The offender has committed adultery "in his heart." Sinning in your heart is not the same as committing the act itself.

In the teaching just before this one, Jesus addresses murder and anger the same way: "But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court" (5:22). Obviously, being angry with someone in your heart is different from actually killing them, and the consequences are not identical. If we use the same logic that some use, claiming that lust is automatic grounds for divorce, then everyone who has been angry with someone should be in prison.

None of this excuses porn usage or lust. But it is not the same thing as having sex with someone else.

Consider this: If Jesus truly meant that “adultery in the heart” constituted biblical grounds for divorce, then just about every marriage would have legitimate grounds for divorce — unless a husband and wife made it through their entire life together without ever once lusting after someone else.

Even more importantly, that reading would also make marriage trivial, which is the very opposite of what Jesus intended. He wanted to raise the bar for marriage, not lower it. He wanted to protect its sanctity, because mainstream Judaism at the time had taken an extremely lax position that allowed a man to divorce his wife for practically any reason, like burning food, or if the man just found another woman better looking.

So when Jesus named lust as a real, heart-level violation, he wasn't handing people a new, more permissive category of "biblical grounds for divorce" that simply met the culture where it already was. He was doing the opposite: confronting the culture's careless view of marriage with the values and standards of the Kingdom of Heaven.

That said, the waters get murkier in cases of unrepentant, habitual lust, which Jesus addresses in Matthew 19:9. But if we want to stay faithful to the text, here is the distinction: a repentant heart; one that is doing everything it can to slay the dragon of lust (see the call to gouge out an eye in Matthew 5:29-30) presents no biblical grounds for divorce.

Jesus never asked married couples for perfection. He asked for a fight: a relentless, ongoing pursuit of purity that guards the marriage — not an excuse to escape it.

So what’s a girl to do?

What do we tell a woman whose husband is entangled with porn?

It is critical to not go this issue alone. Your church must be involved. Counsel from your elders and pastors, for both husband and wife, will help everyone understand and apply biblical teaching.

If you don’t go to church, this is a good time to seek out a strong Bible-teaching congregation. There are a number of resources, programs, and books to help (here’s one).

Unrepentant, habitual lust — where the husband continues making excuses for porn use, or lying about it — is blatant sexual immorality, and that is grounds for divorce. It doesn’t mean the wife has to divorce, but she has biblical grounds.

If, however, the husband is repentant, taking steps to fight, waging a relentless ongoing battle for his own purity and the purity of the marriage union — it’s not right to walk away from a man who is willing to fight that battle and honor his vows.

That is a biblical response, but that doesn’t mean it will be easy, because trust has been betrayed, and rebuilding can be arduous and painful. That’s where those elders and pastors can meaningfully support a couple in crisis.

But remember that God is a reconciling God, a healing God, a God who not only hates divorce, but wants every marriage to reflect His love for us, His church — which He will never divorce.

Of course, no couple will meet that perfect standard. But it’s what we’re all to strive for.

So no, girl, you don’t gotta run. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you have to, but know what the Bible demands from marriage, and hold your husband accountable to move toward that standard — even as you hold yourself accountable to the same.

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