A Simple Thumbs-Up Emoji Might Be Saying More Than You Think

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Do we still need etiquette in a digital age, when a simple thumbs-up emoji or “ok” can count as a response to a spouse’s text message or a coworker’s Slack message? The answer, one etiquette expert says, is yes.

That expert is Alison Cheperdak, author of the new book Was It Something I Said?: Everyday Etiquette to Avoid Awkward Moments in Relationships, Work, and Life, set to be released on March 17. Cheperdak’s career has taken her many exciting places — she has experience as a White House staffer, a television news reporter, and an attorney — which have led her to found Elevate Etiquette.

“I want the book to be something that you could read cover to cover or you could flip to the page that had the answer to exactly what you were wondering in that moment,” Cheperdak tells The Daily Wire in an interview. “It’s inspired by a book that helped me so much, years ago, which was The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette, which was initially written in the 1950s. There are some things in there like making sure you have the right brand of cigarettes for your guests or ample ashtrays in your living room, which have not held the test of time, but much of it remains.”

Just as society’s expectations around smoking have changed, so too will expectations around technologies such as social media and video calling. But, as Cheperdak points out, the principles behind how we treat others are constant — after all, it’s “real people” on the other end of our screens. Was It Something I Said? contains advice about making small talk, interviewing for jobs, and helping friends going through loss and illness. Cheperdak deftly weaves in stories from her own life, including her own etiquette faux pas. Much of her advice does involve so-called digital life — being considerate of others in how you post, message, and livestream. Examples?

“Because we live in such a digital age, no matter what your career is or your life situation around the world, we’re so connected by technology,” she says, emphasizing the importance of “being kind in-person and online and understanding that the way that we communicate online often comes off differently than we think it does.”

“When you’re talking with someone on the phone or in-person or over a Zoom call, you have the benefit of inflection, tone of voice, body language, cadence, eye contact, all of these other cues that supplement how we perceive someone’s communication. But when you’re communicating digitally and you only have the written word, it lacks that warmth, and it’s more likely that miscommunications can happen,” she continues.

That’s true whether you’re a Zoomer or a Boomer. All generations have their strengths and weaknesses when it comes to using technology to communicate with others. Especially with younger generations who are just entering college or the workforce, sometimes it’s a case of not knowing what you’ve never been told. Cheperdak advises people who are early in their careers to err on the side of formality in their communications and in how they address others. Cheperdak says a university professor recently told her that, after a career fair, students surprised professionals who had handed out their business cards by texting them instead of emailing.

In such situations, “I recommend emailing someone because a text, it can be perceived as an interruption or almost like an intrusion into someone’s day if you haven’t really developed that rapport yet, but for younger people that are Gen Z, that have grown up in this oversaturated information age, they don’t use email as much as they use text messages, as much as they might use direct messages on social media,” Cheperdak says. “Most times, people aren’t aware that it’s a habit that needs to be paid attention to. And once you make it known, then I see people definitely improve.”

Even though the world of social media can feel overwhelming, Cheperdak is a proponent of using platforms such as Instagram and Facebook when you have purpose behind how you use them.

“It’s really helped me connect with people from around the world in ways that I never could have imagined. That has been incredible about it. I’m very discerning about what I follow and what I share, and if it’s not educational, inspirational, or relationship-building, then I’m out,” she says. “I’m not a believer that you need to eliminate everything about your past [on social media]. I think there’s a beautiful element of your social media that
it can be a scrapbook that shows what you were doing 10 years ago or five years ago. But I do think it’s important to remember that you’re an ambassador for yourself always, and you don’t want to be doing things or sharing things that you’d be embarrassed for your grandmother to see on the cover of the Washington Post.”

Cheperdak says many of her followers write in with questions about friendship, which she says is a topic that at first seems unrelated to social media — but it actually is.

“A lot of women just feel like they’re experiencing distance from a friend — a friend is ghosting them, or they’re not seeing this friend as frequently as they used to, and they wonder what they’ve done,” she says. “I think that the reason this comes up is because the friend is saying that they’re so busy, and then they’re seeing their Instagram story, that they’re at brunch with other friends, to a brunch that they weren’t invited to.”

Scholars, including Jonathan Haidt, have written about how social media causes many young people to feel “ranked” in their friendships because they have so much more data than before about what their friends are doing and who they’re spending time with. This phenomenon can extend to adults, too.

“What I try to invite people to realize is that it’s normal and it’s healthy to have different groups of friends and not to have the same people always hanging out all the time. You don’t know the backstory,” Cheperdak says. “All kinds of things can happen outside of being mad at someone or wanting to eliminate them from their life and a friendship.”

Having a good grasp on etiquette can be helpful in exciting situations, like a black-tie gala or a meeting with a member of Congress, but it’s just as helpful in everyday challenges. That’s Cheperdak’s message — and through the tips in her book, she wants her readers to become confident in speaking up for themselves and others. That’s a skill everybody could use.

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Evie Solheim is a freelance journalist, book reviewer, and author of the newsletter The Girl’s Guide. Find her on X @eviesolheim.

The views expressed in this piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.