Dems Furious After Court Rules Republicans Allowed To Vote

Democrats are up in arms over a decision by the Virginia Supreme Court that overturns their attempt to gerrymander the commonwealth’s Republican voters to the brink of oblivion. Virginia is considered a purple state where Kamala Harris won against Donald Trump by only about six percent of the voters, many of whom simply thought having an idiot president with a lunatic cackle might be the funnier choice.

But the gerrymander would have changed the commonwealth’s districts from a representative six blue versus five red, to an admittedly hilarious but totally unfair ten blue districts versus one red. The lone Republican district would be ringed in by high walls topped with barbed wire, while all voting booths would be located in the blue districts.

The court ruled that the ballot measure allowing the change violated procedural rules laid out in the Virginia Constitution under its “Don’t be a Schmuck” clause, which requires laws to be written by people who are not schmucks or can at least pretend not to be schmucks for ten straight minutes or, if that’s too much to ask, can at least ACT like they’re not schmucks for ten minutes even though everyone knows they are.

In a frantic group phone call among some of the Democratic Party’s top schmucks, schmucks from around the country expressed their concern at the court’s decision.

House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries, a huge schmuck, said the Virginia Court’s move was part of a nationwide conspiracy against the Democrat party. The schmuck said:

“First, the Supreme Court tells us we can’t gerrymander by race, so black people will be allowed to share districts with white people. That’s exactly what we’ve been trying to put a stop to since the Republicans won the Civil War. If voters stopped voting for skin color and started passing judgment on policies, the Democratic Party would cease to exist. Next, the Virginia Supreme Court says we’re violating the rule of law, and I’m, like, ‘What? What the hell are they even talking about?’ And now, Republicans in Congress want to require voters to have picture identification, which would limit the electorate to living people who actually exist. That’s a blatant attempt to disenfranchise imaginary Democrats across and under this great nation. And the only reason the Republicans haven’t been able to pass a voter ID law supported by 84 percent of the people is that none of them realize yet that their Senate Leader, John Thune, passed away last August. They think he’s just totally ineffective. Wait till they find out we propped him up in his seat and had him embalmed!” 

As the group phone call continued, the Democrats started to strategize how to overturn the court’s decision. One idea was to lower the required retirement age of Virginia judges from the current 73 years old to two, so that the present judges would have to step down and could be replaced by judges who don’t know what’s in the Constitution and are dependent on others to feed them, either because they’re only two years old or just because they’re Democrats, I’m not sure which.

Another idea was to wait till election night, pretend there were water main leaks in voting venues, stop the count, then smuggle in boxes of fake ballots, and get The New York Times to run articles claiming it was the least corrupt election ever. But that idea was ultimately rejected, because Democrats felt no one would fall for such a silly trick twice.

Finally, Virginia Attorney General Jay Jones, a stupid schmuck, tried to file a motion to overturn the Virginia Court’s ruling to the United States Supreme Court. Jones wrote the motion — and God help me, I am not making this part up — he wrote the motion in which the speaker of the “Virgnia” House of Delegates, appealed against a State “Sentator” and then he filed the misspelt motion with the VIRGINIA Supreme Court instead of the United States Supreme Court, which has no jurisdiction in the matter anyway. When told he should have used a hot little item called spellcheck to help him write the motion, Attorney General Jones remarked, “Oh good, there’s nothing I like better than a hot check. Maybe I can sentate her some flounders and show her around Virgnia.”