It’s Time To Cancel Tattoos

Major news dropped this week. You no doubt noticed the ground trembling beneath your feet and felt the violent blast of hot wind blowing across the country as the news of this event slammed into the planet like an asteroid the size of a stadium, leaving a gaping crater in the earth’s crust. The whole world was shaken. Everything changed. Nothing will ever be the same again. 

Congresswoman Nancy Mace got some tattoos. 

For those who find the claim wildly implausible, here are the pictures Nancy Mace took to show the world her new tattoos: 

Credit: @NancyMace/X.com

There are a lot of them on both arms. Two whole sleeves of tattoos. There are some flowers, some religious imagery, some random phrases, and also the word “justice.” There is no justice in the world. But now, at least, we have it on Nancy Mace’s left bicep. So that’s something. 

I know about these tattoos, not because I was seeking information about Nancy Mace’s tattoos or Nancy Mace in general, but because multiple media outlets issued urgent reports on the subject. USA Today, the New York Post, Yahoo, Newsweek, the Hill, the Daily Beast, and the Huffington Post (which evidently still exists) all put their best reporters on the Nancy Mace tattoo beat. 

There was so much conversation about the tattoos that Snopes published a fact check titled “Does Nancy Mace have arm tattoos?” There then follows an entire article to inform us that the answer is yes, she does have arm tattoos. 

I have nothing further to say on the subject of Nancy Mace’s tattoos in particular. But this breathtaking development did prompt another round of discussion and debate about tattoos. 

Everyone seems to have them now. If not everyone, then a lot of people do. A recent survey finds that 32% of Americans have a tattoo. In fact, more women than men are now sporting tattoos. And more than half of women between the ages of 18 and 49 have at least one. The numbers drop off for women over 50, but Nancy Mace, who is almost 50, is determined to pad those stats. 

Back in the old days, only bikers and prison inmates had tattoos, and they were all men. Now, the average female 23-year-old college graduate has the kinds of permanent skin markings that used to be the exclusive province of large men with felony convictions. Some people consider this a bad thing, a sign of cultural decline. Others say that it’s a good thing, a sign that the culture is becoming more accepting of individual expression.

You may think that I am in no place to litigate this issue objectively. After all, I have tattoos. I have this Chi Rho on my forearm that I got when I was in my early 20s. And I also have another tattoo, a cross on the opposite shoulder, that I also got in my early 20s. And in fact, I have a third tattoo. The words “thug life” are printed across my stomach. But I don’t like to talk about that one, so let’s just call it two tattoos for the sake of argument. 

So will I now stand up alongside my fellow tatted Americans, my brothers and sisters of the ink, and defend the beauty and virtue of tattoos? The answer is, in fact, no. I will not. I actually mostly agree with the tattoo skeptics. I think this whole tattoo thing has gotten way out of hand. Everyone needs to stop with the tattoos. It’s too much. 

To be clear, I’m not saying that I regret my tattoos per se. They’re both meaningful in the sense that they obviously denote my Christian faith. 

At least I didn’t get a tribal armband, permanently branding myself as a guy who loved Three Days Grace in 2002. At least I didn’t get a Chinese symbol that I was told means “harmony,” or whatever, but really just means “Kung Pao chicken with fried rice.” At least I didn’t get random words or designs. At least I didn’t get a Disney character. 

I’m not embarrassed by the tattoos. I don’t feel the need to explain them except for right now. 

My take on my own tattoos is this: I don’t have any urge to get them removed, but I also would absolutely never get another one. If I could go back in a time machine, would I have still gotten these tattoos? Probably not, but mostly because if I’m going back in a time machine, I don’t want to waste the day sitting in a tattoo parlor. 

So, in summary, my tattoos are fine. They’re okay. I’ve got bigger problems in my life, at the very least.