Republicans Alarmed By New Poll Showing Voters Expect Results

Republicans are beginning to panic as polls show them losing popularity before the upcoming midterm elections. In a party Zoom meeting to discuss the crisis, GOP Senator Samuel T. Schnorrer from the great state of lassitude told his colleagues, “When I first saw the new numbers, I nearly lost my head. I started babbling like a crazy man about passing laws and cutting entitlement spending before it drives us into insolvency. Thank God my consultant was there to slap me in the face until I came to my senses and realized: if we start passing laws and all sorts of loony stuff like that, we might be blamed for the results. I think we just have to stick to the original game plan of shaking our fists at Democrats on Fox News.”

GOP Congressman Lorne Loveless from the persistent state of hysteria, blamed President Trump for the bad poll numbers, saying, “The president keeps doing things. Things are bad, especially when you do them. That’s why we do nothing. It literally means ‘no thing.’ It’s right there in the word. Really, being a congressman is not that complex if you know how to speak English. Also you have to know when to stop speaking English before you actually say something and instead just keep shaking your fist at Democrats on Fox News.” 

The polls do confirm that Trump’s actions are alienating some people in the party’s coalition. According to one poll — Nikolai Kaminski — sixty-seven percent of Republicans feel Trump is not carrying out their wishes that he would make government smaller while not cutting any of their benefits, bring down prices while continuing to print massive amounts of money so they don’t lose any of their benefits, and deport illegal immigrants without making it hard to find someone to mow your lawn while you pay him crap wages and shout, “That’s mucho dinero, amigo!” because what the hell does he know, he doesn’t even speak English.

According to another poll — Stanislaw Dabrowski — fifty-five percent of Independent voters feel the news under the Trump administration is far too chaotic and they yearn for the days when they could kick back in front of the TV and watch President Biden shuffle around aimlessly calling America racist while reporters marveled at his ability to lick an ice cream cone and fall down a flight of stairs at the same time.

In yet another poll — this one at the Spearmint Rhino Club in Oakland — seventy-five percent of Republicans who listen to Tucker Carlson blame Trump for sending Christian men to die for Israel in Carlson’s imagination. Ninety-five percent of Carlson’s listeners who named their first-born sons Adolf are also angry that Trump prevented the Iranian mullahs from acquiring nuclear weapons, which would’ve sure come in handy the next time their pagers blew their testicles off.

Finally, according to the traditionally reliable north poll, eleventy-six percent of readers of the New York Times, a former newspaper, are furious at the things they read about Trump doing in the Times and are deeply concerned he might start doing them in real life as well.

Democrats are seizing on these poll numbers to launch attacks on the administration that they feel will resonate with the public. Democrat strategist Lilith Abaddon rolled over in bed and told a reporter, “Affordability was a good issue until people discovered inflation was caused by president Biden printing massive amounts of money, before tripping over a sandbag, flying out the door, bumping into a little girl and burying his nose in her hair while calling half the electorate fascist. So now, we’ve cleverly switched to harping on deporting illegal immigrants who came swarming into the country by the millions while president Biden was falling off his bicycle and lying face down in the mud for three hours before anyone realized he was no longer running the country. Right now, we feel the idea of defunding ICE will be really popular with millions of poor refugees who came to this country simply looking for a better life with their 72 virgins in heaven.”

As for Republicans, they say they will continue to beat back the tide of unpopularity until their fists get tired from being shaken on Fox News.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, After That, The Dark, is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan.

The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.