Secret Iranian Demands To Trump Traced Back To Joe Biden’s Autopen

It now seems certain that the war in Iran is either coming to an end, or going on forever, or won, or lost, or a disaster or a major triumph.

Despite the fog of war, it is becoming clear that either we’ve accomplished our goals or failed to and have made the situation better or worse and have a lot to look forward to or so much to fear that we should hide in the cornfields, hoping the aliens come back and take us someplace safe.

One thing at least is obvious, and that is that the Iranian regime has been destroyed or strengthened, and that the oppressive anti-American thugs who have terrified the Middle East for so long have been wiped out or have completely defeated us and are now running the United States, or at least the Democrat party.

Major news outlets that run the gamut from the Left to the far-Left to the so-far-Left that you just sit there thinking, “What the hell is wrong with these people?” are now reporting with complete assurance that the Trump administration is in serious negotiations either with Iran’s latest supreme leader or just some guy selling falafel from a hand-truck in Tehran.

The major outlets say these negotiations are certain to result in a ceasefire deal that is a complete disaster for the United States, according to a highly placed military source who wishes to remain anonymous but looks suspiciously like Cory Booker dressed up in an army hat and epaulettes, and some leather underpants with “Spartacus” embroidered on the crotch.

On right-leaning outlets, analysts and commentators and analysts analyzing commentators commenting on analysts, thoughtfully think that President Trump should make a good deal instead of a bad deal, but that he should not risk renewing hostilities unless he launches an invasion, in which case he should avoid putting boots on the ground because you can’t really accomplish much with a bunch of boots lying around on the ground.

Other right wing commentators commenting on those analysts analyzing commentators talking to their analysts, say President Trump must bring down gas prices by showing the Iranians that scary frowny face he has, otherwise the midterms will be such a disaster that there won’t be enough Republicans left in the Senate to stand around waiting for John Thune to do something, even if it’s just spit a pumpkin seed shell into a spittoon, so they know he’s still alive.

Now, obviously, if you watch the news on TV, you can see there are many questions still unanswered, and many answers that should be questions that are still unanswered because no one knows the answers or even the questions, and they’re mostly just filling time until the next advertisement for some new medicine that will clear up your skin but also kill you.

To be fair, it can be very difficult in a situation like this for journalists to get the facts, especially if the journalists are gormless imbeciles who wouldn’t know a fact if it bit them on the ass and left teeth marks on their buttocks that spell the word “fact,” which, let’s face it, describes 98 percent of the journalists in the country, while the other two percent are both Bret Baier.

However, here at the Daily Wire, OUR journalists have been able to obtain some of the secret communications concerning the war. In a conciliatory letter written in the blood of innocents, the Iranians have explained their grievances to President Trump, saying, “Why can’t you be more like that wimpy black guy? We liked him. He gave us lots of money and left us alone to build nuclear weapons so we could kill everyone, in accordance with the demands of our religion. If you would just act like that Orama or Ba-nah-nah or whatever his name was, this whole war thing would be over and Americans could go back to watching cat videos until we wipe their country off the face of the earth.”

The Trump administration reacted angrily to the Iranian demands until they realized the letter had come from an assisted living facility in Delaware, and was signed by autopen, “Love, Joe.”