The Democratic Plan To Extend Obamacare By Using All Of Your Money

United States lawmakers and other sex workers are holed up in Washington D.C. discussing what to do about Obamacare.

The problem is that the massive subsidies of taxpayer dollars that have been funding the bill are about to expire, and should they run out, the only way to continue doing the important work that Obamacare does would be to rake all our money into one big pile then set it on fire and dance around the blaze, chanting, “Oh, look, healthcare is affordable now! Just keep raking.”

Democrats are searching to find ways to keep Obamacare alive while simultaneously bringing down the cost of healthcare. They’re working on such cost-cutting innovations as building doctor’s offices on the top floors of skyscrapers, then having the exit door from the waiting room lead directly out of the building to a fifty story drop to the pavement below, thus limiting the patient’s healthcare needs to a mop and a headstone.

Another version of this inevitable Obamacare addendum is called Medical Assistance in Dying or MAID, in which doctors who previously fulfilled their sacred Hippocratic oath to “Do No Harm,” by performing abortions and castrating little boys for no reason, will now simply murder their patients to keep them from running up their healthcare bills.

The Democrats will attempt to sell the public on the MAID idea with an upbeat holiday-themed ad campaign called “Everybody Ought to Have a MAID.” The ads will include a catchy jingle with the lyrics: 

Why decay, day by day, when, hooray, you can just pass away? 

We killed your babies, then as a bonus, we tried to cut off your son’s cojones.

Now rather than bear the healthcare onus, all you have to do is phone us and you won’t be billed, you’ll just be killed.

And okay, it’s not Sondheim, but it works better than Obamacare.

Now some lawmakers feel the problems with Obamacare are built into the system. The way Obamacare works is this: Imagine a strapping, healthy 25-year-old man. Now imagine a 90-year-old man slowly being devoured by a slimy, oozing, bubbling green old man fungus spreading inch by inch over his skin and painfully dissolving his flesh into a malodorous puddle of boiling blood-soaked goo. Now stop giggling. You people are sick. You disgust me.

Anyway, under Obamacare, the healthy 25-year-old and the bubbling, stinky fungus man pay exactly the same amount for health insurance. Now, of course, the 25-year-old will soon begin to think: Hey, I’m not sick. Why should I pay rates meant to cover dissolving fungus face over there? Ah, but Obamacare had a fix for that called the mandate. Under the mandate, if people refused to pay for healthcare they didn’t need, the government would simply steal their money at gunpoint and pay for it anyway. Unfortunately, the mandate was canceled, but luckily, the Democrats replaced the mandate with subsidies through which they steal everybody’s money at gunpoint but instead of calling it a mandate, they call it subsidies.

Now you might say: well, we can’t just go on stealing people’s money to pay for 90-year-old bubbling fungus people forever because we’d run out of money! But then you would be a Republican and you’d be forced to do nothing, because you’d be a contemptible poltroon, too cowardly to explain to people that we should leave the whole business to the free market.

If you’re a Democrat, you have a better plan, which is to keep subsidizing bubbling fungi until the national debt is so high we have to sell the entire country to China. Then the Chinese can deal with our healthcare by saying, “Oh, look, there’s a malodorous fungus person, let’s harvest his organs, then invade Taiwan.”

At that point, Republicans can finally take action by going on Fox News and shouting, “This is all the Democrats’ fault and would never have happened if someone had had the courage to stop them! Now we must go to war against China, which we would definitely do, if we could still afford a Navy.”

Democrats, on the other hand, will simply rake all our money into a big pile and set it on fire, then dance around the blaze, chanting, “Well, at least we still have Obamacare,” except in Chinese.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, After That, The Dark, is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan.

The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.