Trump Panic Drives The New York Times To Wag The Antisemitic Dog

With midterm primaries in the news, the left-wing media has been focusing a lot of its attention on Republican candidates. For instance, the New York Times, a former newspaper, recently ran an article with the headline, “Bad Trump Ruins Everything,” in which columnist Nicholas Kristof speculated that the primary defeat of anti-Israel congressman Thomas Massie may have been due to an attack by Israeli rape dogs, imaginary animals whom Kristof claims have been trained to sexually assault antisemites. Kristof’s article was about to go on to examine the power of Trump’s endorsements, when he suddenly emitted a high-pitched scream, after which the article fell ominously silent.

In another Times article, this one headlined, “Trump Bad, Everything Ruined,” the author speculated that Trump’s endorsement of Ken Paxton for Senate may turn deep red Texas into a blue state, if Republicans are unable to vote because they’re too busy laughing at this article. A third Times article, headlined, “Trump Trump Trump Bad Bad Bad Ruin Ruin Ruin,” merely contained those words repeated at random for several pages.

Now, of course, it’s always important to hear what the left-wing media is saying. In the same sense, it’s always important to hit yourself in the groin with a hammer. But for a change of pace, we here at the Daily Wire have decided to take a closer look at candidates on the Democrat side, because we’ve just come from watching the monkeys at the zoo throwing dung at random passersby, and we want the fun to continue.

In Texas, the Democrat Senate candidate is James Talarico, a Christian theologian who argues that the role of the Virgin Mary in giving birth to Jesus proves that God is in favor of crushing the heads of unborn children, then tearing their bodies apart limb from limb. A spokeswoman for the Queen of Heaven says that the Virgin Mary will not be responding to Talarico’s comments because she can’t use the words that would properly convey her opinions, because she’s the Virgin Mary.

Socialist Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez not only won her primary but is jockeying to position herself as a 2028 presidential candidate. AOC, who studied economics at Sister Ignoramuses School for Wayward Girls, explains her socialist economic theory this way:

“There’s this big pile of money that comes from somewhere. Then, just as we’re about to share it out equally, Elon Musk suddenly rushes in and steals so much of it, there’s not even enough left for me to pay off my psychiatrist with taxpayer dollars. This is why I’ve said repeatedly that Elon Musk is stupid, because if I could see a psychiatrist, I wouldn’t be talking like this.” 

Unfortunately, Elon Musk was unable to respond to being called stupid because he’d just flown to Mars in his new electric space-car, but had not yet installed the final communications satellite link that would allow him to call Earth from the offices of the new terraforming company he’s built on the Red Planet. AOC reacted to this by saying, “Now you see what I mean. If Elon Musk is so smart, how come his crappy Mars phone doesn’t work?”

Another possible Democrat presidential candidate is California Governor Gavin Newsom, who lists his achievements as: causing the weather to be consistently good in Santa Barbara, looking very concerned as Los Angeles burned to the ground, and receiving a hundred billion dollars for Medicare and a high-speed train, both of which he plans to provide as soon as he finds out what happened to the hundred billion dollars. Newsom says he also proved himself a great leader during the Chinese Flu pandemic, because he never let himself despair like some of those idiots who stayed home all the time wearing useless masks.

In Maine, Democrats are running Graham Platner for Senate. Platner sports a Totenkopf, or death’s head tattoo, favored by Nazi SS officers. But in his memoir, entitled Maine Kampf, Platner explains that the tattoo does not mean he sympathizes with Nazis, but simply refers to his wish to slaughter every Jew on earth and then take over Europe. Platner does admit that, if his plans are carried out, he’s sort of going to miss those hot rape dogs.