How To Win An Oscar Without Anyone Watching Your Movie

Well, it’s Oscar season again, that time of year when Hollywood honors those amazing films that bravely went on playing in theaters, even though no one was sitting there except Nicole Kidman, desperately trying to move her face. For myself, I couldn’t look forward to the award ceremony more. I really couldn’t. I’ve tried everything. But before you know it, that spectacular gala will be pre-empting something you actually wanted to watch, so some of you may be thinking… “Sure, if I watch the award ceremony, there’s no doubt I’ll be riveted to my TV, because obviously, if I weren’t, I’d just walk away and do something else. But what I’m really wondering is what’s the inside skinny on how you win this coveted award.” So just in case you’re one of the sad little people whose life is so empty that you would actually think something as pathetic as that, the Daily Wire will now take you behind the scenes for an exclusive look at what it takes to win the Oscar. 

If you want to walk away with gold on Oscar night, you can’t just stand around waiting for someone to watch your movie because, let’s face it, that’s never going to happen. What you have to do is draw attention to yourself by giving interviews in which you express political opinions that are shockingly different from those of someone with even a minimal knowledge of world events. At the same time, of course, it’s important that your shockingly different opinion is exactly the same as everyone else’s opinion in Hollywood, otherwise you can kiss that statuette goodbye. 

For instance, Ethan Hawke has been nominated for his performance as Lorenz Hart in “Blue Moon,” which, in all honesty, would have been the best piece of acting anyone saw this year if anyone had. So clinging to the laughable delusion that the best actor award might go to a white man, Hawke gave an interview in which he reacted to immigration enforcement for all the people in America who woke up that morning thinking, “Gee, I wonder what that guy who played Lorenz Hart is thinking about immigration enforcement.”

Hawke told an interviewer, “Never before in America have I felt so afraid to speak my mind that I wouldn’t even dare to say what I’m saying right now. But in my role as a man with moral courage, I must come forward with the exact same opinion as everyone else in Hollywood and suffer the consequences, which I hope will be that sweet, sweet statuette. At a time when we in the movie industry are overcome with a sense of crisis totally out of keeping with reality, it’s incumbent on us to speak truth to power, as long as it’s not the sort of power that could keep me from getting the award I should have gotten for “Training Day,” but which instead went to Jim Broadbent, whom no one has heard of, in a movie no one saw about Iris Murdoch, whom no one has read. So please, please, this year, I was in an obscure movie about an artist no one remembers, and now I’m standing here degrading myself by slandering my country and pretending to be afraid for some reason, so please, just give me the award, all right? Please, I’m serious, please.”

Even a front-runner has to campaign for the prize. For instance, “Sinners,” received a record 16 Oscar nominations, including most over-nominated picture, and best picture with a moderately entertaining first half before the second half dwindles into muddled anti-historical theorizing and shameful anti-white racism. Nonetheless, “Sinners” best actor nominee Michael B. Jordan still felt compelled to give a campaign interview, telling reporters, “So help me, if they give my Oscar to that fay cracker in the ping pong movie, I’m gonna slap Chris Rock in the face so hard, he’s gonna change his name to Will Smith so no one will remember who he is either.”

So there you have it. Thanks to this exclusive inside Hollywood reporting from the Daily Wire, you’ll be able to turn on your TV on Oscar night and really enjoy whatever it is you’ll be watching instead.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, After That, The Dark, is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan.

The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.