We Watched Zohran Mamdani’s Insane Socialist Inauguration So You Didn’t Have To

It was a chilly New Year’s Day in New York, but crowds nevertheless huddled together in front of City Hall to watch as Zohran Mamdani was sworn in as the city’s new mayor.

The three-hour inauguration ceremony featured a who’s who of the American Left. Reflecting on the day, Matt Bernstein — host of the “A Bit Fruity” podcast who describes himself as a “friendly queer Jew with very long nails” — declared that “the future is unapologetically pro-queer, pro-palestine, pro-worker and ready to tax the rich.” 

You may be thinking “well, surely it wasn’t that bad.” And you’re right. It was worse.

To give you a sense of just how insane Mamdani’s inauguration was, here’s a timeline of what will likely go down as the wokest event of 2026.

11:00 AM: New York Attorney General and longtime Trump foe Letitia James swears Mamdani in underground at the decommissioned City Hall Subway stop. This ceremony is closed to the public, but open to CNN. 

1:01 PM: The audience is asked to take their seats at City Hall so Mamdani’s second ceremony of the day can begin. 

1:31 PM: Bernie Wagenblast, a transgender-identifying man and the voice of the New York City Subway, serving as the Emcee for the inauguration, kicks off the show.

1:34 PM: Javier Munoz, a gay Broadway actor best known for replacing Lin-Manuel Miranda in Hamilton, sings the national anthem. 

1:36 PM: Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez takes the stage to celebrate the “new era for New York City.”

1:37 PM: AOC says “the entrenched ways would rather have us dig our feet and seek refuge in the past” and commends New York on choosing a leader “making a new future for all of us.” 

1:39 PM: AOC forgets to mention that the new leader’s team is full of people entrenched in the Democratic establishment. 

1:40 PM: AOC praises New Yorkers for being brave enough to vote for someone promising free stuff. “New York City has chosen the ambitious pursuit of universal child care, affordable rents and housing, and clean and dignified public transit for all.” 

1:41 PM: Executive Director of the Islamic Center Iman Khalid Latif takes the stage. He’s joined by other “representatives from New York City’s many faith communities.” Only the muslim leader says a few words. The other six just stand on stage. 

1:42: Latif leads the crowd in a prayer, asking Allah to deliver on Mamdani’s campaign promises. 

1:49 PM: Time for another Broadway interlude: known Leftist Mandy Patinkin sings “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” with a chorus of children from Staten Island. 

1:54 PM: Tish James is back on stage to swear Mark Levine in as the City Controller. Levine speaks in Spanish, Greek, and Hebrew. He tells the crowd if they didn’t understand that then they should get Duolingo. 

1:56 PM: Levine says he hopes that “one day when we look at New York from above we will see a city full of solar panels and trees.” 

2:02 PM: Woke poet Cornelius Eady takes the stage to recite his poem “Proof,” which he dedicates “to my trans, queer, foreign students of color at the University of Tennessee Knoxville.” 

2:04 PM: Eady reads “Who said you were too dark, too large, too queer, too loud?” 

2:05 PM: Following Eady, three New Yorkers “who have been impacted by immigration enforcement in New York City” take the stage to administer the oath of office to Public Advocate Jumaane Williams.  

2:15 PM: Williams begins his speech. 

2:16 PM: Williams starts crying. 

2:20 PM: Williams tells the crowd, “governing is hard, and achievement is exhausting.” 

2:22 PM: Williams’s sobs increase when his speech derails into an awkward and alarmingly personal therapy session. He tells the crowd he’s waited 49 years to hear what he’s about to say: “Little black boy, you were worth it. And you always were. And without any titles, you were enough. You were always enough. You deserve to accept love.” 

2:26 PM: Singer Lucy Dacus performs “Bread and Roses,” an early 20th-century socialist anthem.

2:30 PM:  The socialist tune summons Bernie Sanders, who shocks exactly no one by giving a speech attacking the top 1% of earners.

2:39 PM: Sanders swears in Zohran on the Quran. Allahu akbar!

2:41 PM: Mamdani begins his speech. 

2:42 PM: Mamdani terrifies Americans by saying Sanders is the man he hopes to emulate. 

2:47 PM: Mamdani declares that the era of big government is back on. Oh, goody.

2:50 PM: Mandani says the authors of New York’s story would speak Pashto, Mandarin, Yiddish, and Creole. He leaves out English.

2:58 PM: Mamdani claims free buses, free childcare, and rent freezes are “freedoms” of the people. 

3:01 PM: Mamdani crushes all remaining remnants of hope: “I was elected as a democratic socialist and I will govern as a democratic socialist.”

3:06 PM: Mamdani’s speech ends and Toronto-based Punjabi artist, “Babbulicious” takes the stage to start the block party.

3:07 PM: The entire Upper East Side logs on to Zillow and starts looking for homes in Florida.